EUPHORIA - My Moon and Stars..

54

songs to play when reading this chapter:
summer time sadness - lana del rey
elliot's song - dominic fike
cry - cigarettes after sex
i'm tired - labyrinth & zendaya
Silver soul - beach house
everything I wanted - billie eilish
don't blame me - taylor swift
glimpse of us - joji
matilda - harry styles
soft core - the neighbourhood
consume - chase atlantic
ayala - XXXTENTACION
the night we met - lord huron
somewhere only we know - glee cast
roslyn - bon iver

Rue's Commentary.
I never thought about death. I mean, I've wanted to die before but ... .I've never thought about death, until now. What comes after?  What does it feel like?

I think none of us really had, not until you.

Now I said I wasn't a trustworthy narrator, I meant that. I wasn't there for a lot of it, your life I mean... that was yours. Yours to experience. I was just there for the ride, my god was it the ride of my life.

I remember a long time ago, someone special told me "Death is victory, we wait our whole lives to finish paying off some karmic debts and entering Heaven. Some just get there quicker" So while it's broken me, knowing you're gone, congratulations on your victory. I hope the gardens are treating you well.

I find peace in your solitude, the hole in my heart is immense, but I know you are with me. Holding my hand, guiding me. My own angel. My beautiful angel. Im a void, only filled with gratitude for you. For knowing you. For understanding you, for having you in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about the word death. The fear that strikes people when talking about death, taboo in a lot of ways isn't it? You were never afraid of it were you? You held my hand that time I fell off my bike. You hugged me when I suffered from my first overdose. You cried with me when I went through my first heartbreak. And you.. you corrected me when I hurt you.

I've been thinking a lot about the word death. The pain that comes with it, the sheer hurt that one feels when losing someone. You held a lot of pain inside, a stupid fucking amount of pain to be honest. But you never once let it drown you. I was there when you found out you were adopted. I say found out but.. You always knew. You cried to me and then you turned to me and do you remember what you said? How fucking cool am I for an adopted kid?
And we laughed. We laughed so much our stomachs hurt.

I've been thinking a lot about the word death. It's unfair. It's ugly. It hurts. I fucking hate death. Your boy... your Elliot is anguished. His eyes are lost, he lives in the past, only remembering you. Your Elliot is devastated, his heart filled with unspoken memories of you. Just like me. I'll take care of him for you though, I know that's what you would've wanted.

Yet still... I've been thinking about death. I'm seeing everyone mourn, I'm seeing people I've known my whole life in sheer agony. Grief has filled the town you grew up in. The roads you biked your way to school on are now silent, cold and empty. The lamp post we met up by since middle school is covered with flowers and candles, for you. The world is grey without you Maya Valentine Cole. It's lost colour and heart. It's lost faith and hope, I can only pray I see colour again.

I've been thinking so much about the word death. Now.. more than ever, death is glory. Death is light. Death is the feeling of your heart being ripped out and torn apart. Death is you holding my hand after I fell and being there. Death is you being my rock. You were the most intricately cosmic person I've ever come across. We always said it was cosmic. Our connection. The connection you shared with so many. Cosmic. Death is fucking cosmic.