EUPHORIA - My Moon and Stars..

55

songs to play when reading this chapter:
summer time sadness - lana del rey
elliot's song - dominic fike
cry - cigarettes after sex
i'm tired - labyrinth & zendaya
Silver soul - beach house
everything I wanted - billie eilish
don't blame me - taylor swift
glimpse of us - joji
matilda - harry styles
soft core - the neighbourhood
consume - chase atlantic
ayala - XXXTENTACION
the night we met - lord huron
somewhere only we know - glee cast
roslyn - bon iver

Elliot's narration:
It all happened so quickly, I can admit I still haven't fully wrapped my head around what's happened. I keep thinking you're going to show up or I'll hear your laugh. Every time my phone rings I assume it's you. I don't know..

I've heard the word 'remember' endless times since we lost you. "I remember.."
"Remember when..."

I'll be honest it's been frustrating me hearing that word, to the point where my skin itches every time someone says it. This morning I came to the realisation that... that's all we have of you now. That's all anyone can think about, the memories you gave us. So I guess that's where I'll start.

I met Maya on new year's eve, I remember looking into her eyes and being in awe of how beautiful she was. I remember the first time we kissed, my heart was beating so fast I felt like I was going to take off. I remember her crying at a book she'd been reading, a quote that has never meant more than it does now. I'd like to share that with you all today.

"They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite"

Grief isn't finite is it? It doesn't feel like it is to me right now. It feels infinitely infinite. I really do hope time heals all wounds Maya.
Grief has become my only company, I sit alone sometimes and I can feel you with me. When that happens, I remember your smile, your heart and your love. I remember that night, when you grabbed my hand and demanded I sing you our song as you fell asleep.

I have been so angry at the world because you were taken away from me. Every day Ive waken up, I feel my heart break over and over at the deprivation of you. I think my heart will be breaking over and over for a very long time Maya. But that's okay. As our good friend said, 'Death is fucking cosmic' I'd rather feel the pain of a thousand heart breaks than feel nothing at all. Because the pain is a reminder that you were real.

Sometimes I convince myself it was all an illusion, while that makes the pain lessen it encourages me to forget you. That's something I never want to do and I never will. I truly never thought I'd experience a love as intense and heavenly as ours. In some ways I'm angry at God for stripping me of that. For allowing me a small taste of what could've been, then I remind myself how lucky I am to have experienced even the slightest bit of your love.

I never really was a believer in God. Ironic, now that I'm stood in a church. That night awakened something I can't put into words, I believe God gave us that night as a goodbye. A goodbye I wish we didn't have to have so soon. Hearing you say "I love you" and not knowing it was the last time kills me. I'm so glad you did though, I'm glad I saw you smile because for me our last memory isn't the doctors rushing around us or pushing me out the room, my last memory is you laying there looking like an angel. So peaceful, so happy. Telling me you loved me as I sang to you, your sweet kiss goodnight.

For those of you who know me, I'm an addict. I remember Maya baking me and Rue a cake when we were one week sober. She had become sober a little while before we had, her resilience always did astonish me. She told me she prayed every single day that me and Rue found the strength to give up the drugs, I wish this didn't need to happen to give me that strength but I think it may have been the push that we needed. The love I have for my friends and family fights for me. Losing you taught me so much, I wish you were here to see the person I'm becoming and will be in 10 years and so on. That's okay though, I know you're with me.

I will love you forever my sweet Maya. I will hold your mom as she grieves, I'll wipe Rue's tears away. I'll hug Kat and I'll rub Maddie's back as she cries, I'll listen to Lexi's stories of you and I'll be there for McKay and Fezco. I know this is what you would want, what you would need me to do. I'll be their rock just like you were mine. So, don't worry, I hear you Maya. I feel you in my heart and in my soul. I hear your voice telling me to hold your place in our group. I'm living only for you my girl, I'm securing your memory on this Earth until the day I die.

So now as I near the end of my eulogy, I want to give you all a quote Mrs Cole told me last night as we remembered you, Maya. "You are grieving because you loved truly and wholly. Your pain is evidence of your truth. So while it hurts, let it not darken your soul. Let it teach you patience and faith." Thank you Mrs Cole, for being the most understanding parent I've ever come across, for allowing me to sit in Maya's room and feel her presence. For giving us the gift that was your angelic daughter. We can't begin to express our gratitude and our appreciation. We are forever here by your side, we'll keep the memory of your daughter alive. I know you had your differences but I assure you, she loved you so much.

And Maya... I hope wherever you are, you're happy and you feel our love. This room is filled with love and adoration for you. I'll remember you forever, I'll keep the memories you gave us safe. You are in my very soul, your heart is imprinted on mine and your words tattooed on my brain. I know this is what was meant to happen, I know I was put here to love you and I'll do that for eternity. I can't wait until we next meet, but until then... I'll live for you. I'll live and I'll love, I'll hold and I'll cry. I'll feel every last drop of grief for you. Wait for me up there my moon and stars.
Yours eternally,
Eli