What is this feeling?

The story

!WARNING THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DISCUSSION ABOUT MULTIPLE TYPES OF ABUSE!

This is about my biological mother i no longer live with her. 

I don't remember much about my childhood, its so much trauma that my brain has blocked it out. My first traumatic experience is when my mom and her then boyfriend Shane (he is my middle brothers dad lets call him Z.) got into a fight they were both strung out on drugs. One second they were sitting on the bed the next they were fight, not an argument a physical fight. He choked her, she then slapped him, he punched her, and she then choked him. My mom picked me up and we left. I don't remember anything after that, I was 2-4. The next traumatic experience I can remember was me and my grandma going to pick up my mom after she got in a fight with her boyfriend, her now husband. I wasn't in the house when it happened but my mom told me i wasn't allowed to help her pack her stuff because there was broken glass everywhere, there is going to be someone like "HoW iS tHaT tRaUmAtIc?" I was fucking 3 or 4 when my mom told me there was glass everywhere. That is terrifying for a 3 year old, what is she got hurt. This is her now husband... Every time i would go stay the night at her house they would fight. They would yell and scream at each other for what seamed like hours. One time it was over cigarettes, she tossed the box at him, and when she asked for it back he threw it at her, the corner hit her right above the eyebrow. He terrorizes my little brothers, my brother Z cowers down to him, he screams at Z over the littlest of things. More recently my mom told me my little brother Z got bored and decided to throw rocks at a truck window, you can probably see where this is going, he broke the window. (lets call him N) N beat him, N was about to kill him, my mom had to pry N off of my brother! The place I live is now better the people used to mess around with me, very roughly, so I flinch at every movement. Once when i was 6 i wasn't listening i guess, and it was making my grandma mad, (lets call her grandma A, not the one who took me to my mom) and so she sat on top of me and I was trying to fight her off, and she slapped me. Grandma B has also slapped me but it was 10 times harder, it was her ring finger, she busted my lip open, and i bled everywhere. Thinking about this is hard, it makes me want to hide. There is so much more i could put but i'm not ready for that. "Let go of the past." Fucking make me, you know how hard the shit is? Me and my mother were beat, her mom abused her when she was like two weeks old! I CAN'T JUST GET OVER THAT! HER MOM WAS BEGGING HER MOM FOR LOVE UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED! MY MOM HAD TO TAKE HER MOM OFF LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE SHE DRANK HERSELF TO DEATH, FROM ALL THE SHIT HER MOM DID TO HER! MY MOM COULD HAVE BEAT ME IF SHE WANTED! SHE WAS A CHILD RAISING A CHILD, SHE RAISED HER BROTHERS. HER MOM WAS A CHILD RAISING A CHILD. Sometimes i'm afraid to open a text because i think that it is them screaming at me, sometimes i'm afraid to leave my room because i think my adopted mom is going to scream and hit me. I hate loud noises for that exact reason, sometimes i can handle it, but others almost send me into a full on panic attack. I used to think that was normal... That is the story, not a good one, sorry to break it to you all stories aren't sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. Now you know why i'm so fucked up, now you know.