What is this feeling?

Better

The past two days I've been doing a little better after I did something. I don't want to talk about it. I went off the deep end, I don't know what happened. It's getting a lot worse. I saw a TikTok and it was like "how to treat your girlfriend." I just burst out crying. I saw things I wasn't supposed to. It hurt my feelings a lot. I can't stop thinking of it, it's constantly been on my mind. It made me think "was that all I was to you?" I want to go back in time and tell my self not to do what I did. My life would probably be a lot better right now. I haven't been on my meds, one of the people I know will be like "are you okay?" Or "are you off your meds" cant I just be not okay without being on my meds. Maybe I'm like this because I'm not on my meds. I can feel that my eating is going to be affected soon. I've been skipping meals. It's going to get worse. I'm going to get worse. I no longer have to fake a smile or laugh. I think I've hit rock bottom. I've never been this depressed and suicidal in my life. I have given out all my love and there's none left for me. My parents don't even love me I feel like, adopted and biological. I'm drowning in sadness and pain right now, I feel like I have no one to go to. I feel like such a crybaby, I feel vulnerable and stupid, I just need to suck it up and grow the fuck up. I need to just "be strong." Cause that's going to help Janis.