What is this feeling?

God fucking damnit

WARNING THIS TALKS ABOUT SEWER SLIDE AND SELF HARM! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I relapsed, it wasn't just biting, I cut myself. I feel so bad about it because I've been trying to get clean and stay clean for so long. Nothing in my life is going right. I can't live like this. It hurts so bad. I want to live a happy free life like I always dreamed of when I lived in my old town. I was so happy to leave, I didn't have to be bullied for being gay anymore, or be called annoying and told to kill myself on the daily, they hated me for living. I also have a lot of trauma from there. I feel trapped wherever I go. It is like I did one wrong thing and now karma is gonna make my life a living hell until the day I die. Every place I've lived has had trauma. I don't know right from wrong. The household I grew up in was so toxic and terrible. Believe it or not I'm trying my best. I really do try. I don't like being a bad person. When I make terrible decisions it feels like it's not me in control, and when something traumatic happens I feel like a little kid again. Other times I feel really sad and a few seconds later I'll be fine. It might be because I stopped taking my ADHD medication and antidepressants, maybe it's a hormone imbalance or I'm just a terrible person all together. But either way, I may hate myself and hate living, but I don't want to die because if I do what will my little brothers do?One of them already thinks I hate him. I remember the day him and my mom left. I'm not going to live for myself anymore I'll live for him.

I feel a little better after getting that off my chest, i don't feel as angry or sad, I do feel weird though.