What is this feeling?

Delusional

This is a vent kinda. So skip if you don't want to listen to this.

I thought I was getting better. Was I really ever? I was just being delusional. I wasn't ever getting better. I just got better at masking. I'm keeping one promise to myself. No one will ever get to me again. They don't know the real me. Nothing I do is ever good enough for them. I'm trying. I'm trying for them. I'm trying my best to be there and support them, but it feels like nothing I do is good enough. I've had really bitter thoughts about them. For example: "just push them away, leave them, then they can't hurt you." I feel like I'm being used. I can't do that again. I want to be loved. I can't do this. I can't do this thing called "love" all it is, is torture. I'm not good enough for anyone. No matter how hard I try. I can't seem to satisfy anyone. I wish I had no friends again. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. I could just sit in the back of the class and cry. I miss that. I miss sitting alone, not existing, not having a care in the world. I like my friends I do but i didn't have to worry about upsetting people or talking to them to keep the friendship. Back then I was able to protect myself. I used to brag to my family that I had all these "friends" now when they ask it's either "we don't talk anymore" or "I don't have that many friends anymore." Were they ever really my friends? None of them wanted me there. I miss being nonverbal. I didn't talk, I wasn't included, I was ignored, I didn't exist to anyone. I miss that. I miss when I was nonexistent. I didn't have a care in the world. I've found a familiar comfort in being alone, it feels what a home is supposed to feel like. The loneliness doesn't leave like a substance abusing parent(s) it's there for me, it knows me, it is me. It's become apart of me. I think being happy is being delusional, how could anyone be happy in this cruel world, how could anyone be happy after what I've gone through. I appreciate how everyone says their there for me but I can't trust anyone. I can't even trust myself. I just want to feel wanted and safe and loved and happy and like I'm enough. I want to be able to lay in someone's lap and bawl my eyes out. I never got that growing up. I've had to fend for myself since I was born. I never needed anyone. I appreciate all the people in my life I really do but I don't like being a burden.