What is this feeling?

Since eight

TRIGGER WARNING THIS TALKS ABOUT SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!!!!!

Since I was eight years old I've been suicidal. When I was six an important person in my life died. I was eight wishing that I was never born, or wishing that I died. Every little mistake. No matter how much I messed up, a big or little mistake. I wouldn't cut myself. I would hit myself, scratch myself, hit my head with my fists. I didn't really tell anyone that I felt this way until I was nine or ten. When I told someone it was at a wedding. A few months later I got a therapist. I loved her but she never had time for me. I got a new therapist, I never trusted her. Now I have one, it's court ordered. I don't know if I can trust her or not. When I was eight, i never knew why I was the way I was. I don't want to be the person I am. I'm an angry person, I get violent thoughts sometimes. I get these thoughts to hurt people. I don't like them. I'm afraid I might hurt someone. I'm afraid I might hurt myself more than I already have. I am a risk when I get like this. It's only when I've been annoyed for days In a row, like when my cousin is here. I don't ever want to listen to these thoughts. The only times I have it was with an adult, who is ten times stronger than me, and who weighs two times my weight. He was fine. I wasn't.My vision is kinda hazy. I don't like being angry. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to hurt myself. Maybe my eight year old self was right. Maybe I don't deserve to be alive. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. HE MOVED! HE TOOK MY BED! MY STASH, MY GLASS! DID HE FIND IT? DID HE FIND IT? DOES HE KNOW? WHAT ELSE WAS FOUND? SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!