A Storm Is Brewing

It's Not What You Think

I ran until my feet couldn't carry me anymore, almost making it back to the house but having to walk the final few steps. By the time I got home, my face was red, my body was aching, and my breathing was erratic. I took one last deep breath at the front door, knowing what lay ahead of me when I went inside, trying desperately to regulate my breathing before Leah shouted at me for pushing myself too hard. Shocked when I saw her standing in front of the worktop chopping up food, I made my way by her to the fridge to get a bottle of water and stood sipping it on the island.

"You need to stop doing that; you're going to collapse someday." Leah grunted.
"Sorry." I mumbled, making my way towards the door.
"Aren't we going to talk about this morning?"
"Shower."

She was sitting on the bed when I returned from the shower, her face telling me everything I needed to know.

"What you said this morning really hurt me, Sophie."
"What I said? What did I say?"
"If you'd known I was like this, you wouldn't have touched me. Do you have any idea how much that stung?"
"You were like this? That is not what I said. I said I wouldn't have touched you if I had known that it hurt you. Which I wouldn't. Why would I want to inflict pain on someone I love as much as you?"
"Because you have to! It's the only way we can - we can - well, you know what I mean!" Leah raised her voice.
"So we just wouldn't have done that. We could've done other stuff—until I got better at it." I quietened at the last few words.

Leah furrowed her brows for a second before standing to her feet and pulling my body into her. I tried to pull away, still angry from this morning.

"No, no, no. Don't let go. Please. Don't let go." Her voice quivered.
"I won't." I whispered, holding her more tightly.
"You think this is you?"
"It is me. If you'd just spoken to me about it, I could've worked on it. You could've shown me what felt good and what hurt—what I was doing wrong."
"Soph. That's not it, babe. I see now why you were so upset." She sighed.
"What do you mean?"
"It's always hurt. With anyone."
"You've never said that before." Is she just saying this so I don't feel bad about myself?
"No, I haven't. I didn't think it was important. I see now that it is important to you. I should've realised that it would be. It's always hurt, Soph; it's all part of endo. I didn't tell you because I didn't feel like I needed to; you make me feel good. You slow down when I ask, you're attentive with me, and you know how you make me feel. Don't doubt that you make me feel all of the things I tell you before, during, and after we sleep together."
"But it hurts?"
"Yeah - it does. Sometimes during, and sometimes after. It doesn't hurt as much as not being able to be like that with you would hurt, though."
"I'm not sure if I can do it again, knowing I'm hurting you."

Leah's eyes filled with tears, her grip on me loosening. I knew I had just dropped a bombshell for her, but I couldn't do anything about it; I had to tell the truth. I knew that next time, it would go around and around in my head. Is this hurting her? Is it too much? Should I stop? What does her face look like? Was that a sore noise or a good noise? Leah nodded; a small okay was all that sounded from her lips as she took her place on the bed again.

"Should I leave you alone for a while?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry."

I was just closing the door behind me when a shout came from Leah through the most painful of sobs.

"I didn't ask to be fucking broken! I didn't ask for any of this. I just asked you to love me unconditionally. That's all I fucking asked for."

I thought of closing the door anyway, ignoring her comments, but that would've just clarified them in her head. She had to know that I did love her unconditionally and that I didn't think she was broken. Maybe it was me that was broken; I was the one who couldn't get past it after all.

"Shift up." I said as I climbed into the bed.
"Leave me alone." Leah grunted.
"Nope. Shift up."
"What for?"
"So I can love you unconditionally. Now shift up." I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. A small chuckle left her mouth.

Word this carefully, Sophie.

"You're not broken, Le. I don't look at you and think you're broken, not even when you were in that hospital bed. I have always and will always love you unconditionally; that's not something you ever need to question.
I need you to understand, though, that from my side, this is a bit of a shock. It hurts me to know that for years now I've been causing you pain, thinking I was doing the opposite. We dealt with the other symptoms early on; I thought I was understanding back then, so I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't have told me."
"I thought you would leave." She stared into the distance.
"Why?"
"I knew that you wouldn't want to hurt me. I knew you were going to feel this way about it; I knew you wouldn't want to sleep with me anymore. What comes next? You're not just going to let me do it; you're going to want to give me something back. You said yourself that one-sided sex does nothing for you. What was I meant to do? Lose you?"
"You wouldn't have lost me."
"That's why I reacted the way I did this morning, because what you said confirmed my fears. This—me being this way—doesn't work when you're with someone. You can't do normal things unless the other person is happy with the idea that sometimes you have to focus on the pleasure and not the pain."
"I'm sorry." I said, unsure if she was trying to leave me.

Leah turned away from me, silence filling the room until the noise of me rustling around to pull the covers over us and cuddle into her back.

"Does it hurt every time?" I whispered.
"Most of the time. Not always the same amount of pain, though." She responded, pulling my hand into hers.
"Maybe you can tell me next time, you know, if something makes it worse or better?"
"I'd like that, Soph. Only if you're comfortable with it, though." I felt her body relax.
"I'm comfortable with it, Le. I love you, and I'm sorry for being such a brat."
"I get it. I'm sorry for not being open about it; it's embarrassing, and I was worried you'd think it was you when it wasn't."
"I know."
"I love you. I didn't mean to not say it back." She chuckled.

I pressed a kiss against her shoulder, gripping her more tightly and basking in the moment. The two of us fell asleep not long after, waking up two hours later.

Just four days later, Leah and I found ourselves in that very moment, skin pressed tightly together and her arms wrapped around my back. She could sense I was apprehensive as my hand found its intended location, pulling me towards her until our lips touched.

"I haven't forgotten, Soph. I'm going to guide you, okay?" She breathed out, her eyes closing at my touch.

It almost felt like losing my virginity again. The that's really good; do that again; you can go a little faster now words, and her guiding me with her hands felt like that's what we were doing. The difference was that I was doing this with someone I knew would be my future—the person I knew I would spend my life with.

As I collapsed onto the bed beside her, she turned both our bodies to face one another, her eyes staying on mine the entire time.

"You make me feel like no other feeling, Soph."
"Did it hurt?"
"It'll always hurt, Soph. I'm okay with that, and I hope you are too. The difference when it's with you, though, is that I feel safe with you, and that makes me feel even more pleasure than I usually do."
"So it hides the pain more for you?"
"Exactly." She smiled.
"Question?" I chuckled.
"Yeah?"
"Did you know that it would make me feel better if I thought you were in control of what I was doing? So I wasn't scared to hurt you? Was none of that about you but about making me feel better instead?" I asked, realising what was going on.

Leah's smile widened, a light blush filling her face at the idea that she had been caught out on her thoughtful ways.

"Yeah. I just told you to do all the things you usually do." She chuckled.
"Well played." I chuckled back.
"Did it work? Did you feel okay doing it?"

I nodded before connecting our lips.

"Good, because I found it kind of hot, and I think I might want to do it again sometime." She blushed.
"Me too, but I didn't know if it was appropriate to say that." I buried my head in her chest.
"You're my one, Soph."
"You're mine too, Le."