A Storm Is Brewing

Imposter Syndrome

The following day, the three of us said goodbye to Mum and headed to meet Rhys for lunch before we went back to London. We had hoped that Liv would be able to sneak a day off school, but Rhys told us that she had been adamant that she wasn't missing out on the opportunity to play with her friends. As much as the growth was now evident between us, I knew I had to accept that this was just part of her growing up.

We spent the afternoon catching up on the things we had missed, with Rhys telling us all the things that Liv had forgotten to mention during our phone calls. It was during this conversation that my heart really began to ache. Leah's hand immediately found its place on my lap as Rhys began to tell us about Liv's prize night at school. She'd won a prize for kindness, and I couldn't help but think that just a year ago, Liv would've been screaming down the phone at me to make sure I was here to watch her receive it.

"I wish I'd seen that." I spoke sadly.
"She probably just assumed you wouldn't be able to come home." Rhys smiled reassuringly.
"I would've."
"I know that."
"Did she ask about me being there?"
"That doesn't matter. Anyway, when are you going back to training, Leah?"

Not so fast.

"Rhys, I asked you a question."
"She probably just thought you'd be too busy with the baby, Sophie. Don't worry." He smiled again.
"No, then?"
"Soph." Leah whispered, giving me those I'm sorry you're hurting eyes.

I dropped it, knowing that I was just making something out of nothing in the eyes of the two of them. To me, though, it felt like I'd gained a son but lost my niece.

It wasn't long until the conversation moved back to how we were doing, and it became obvious that my mum had said something to Rhys about whatever she and Leah had spoken of the night before. To my surprise, Leah outright told Rhys that she had been struggling and that she'd required quite a bit of my time recently.

"I struggled with Liv, too." Rhys admitted.
"I just feel like I'm not doing enough, you know? Soph has practically had to parent two people the last few months."

In that moment, I felt happy that Leah felt she could confide in Rhys so much, but I had no idea why she was actually doing it.

"They make you feel that way, though. They don't mean to, but they do."
"Who does?" Leah asked.
"The doctors, nurses, and health visitors. They put all the emphasis on the birthgiver, and you're like an added extra in the background. I had it with Liv, too. I called it imposter syndrome."
"What's that?"
"You don't believe you deserve to be happy about being a parent because you don't think you actually made any effort to be one. Sophie had him; Sophie was there with him when you were travelling home."
"Rhys!" I scolded.
"I'm not saying that means she doesn't deserve him, Sophie. I'm saying that she feels she doesn't because of that."
"I think you might have a point." Leah nodded.
"You learn to realise that it doesn't matter." He added.
"Doesn't it?" Leah shrugged.
"No. Those people whose opinions you're putting so much importance on right now—in a few months, you'll stop seeing them. You'll probably never see them again. You'll see him, though. You'll see him every day. You start to realise that their opinions don't matter, and only his does."
"I don't know how to get to that point." Leah chuckled nervously.
"You have to think of all the things you have done." Rhys smiled.

We parted ways shortly after that, not speaking of Leah's conversation with Rhys until that night, when we'd arrived back at our own home. I thought Leah seemed irritated because of our imposter syndrome conversation with Rhys, but I couldn't understand why it hadn't made her feel better instead of worse.

And so, another argument began without either of us meaning for it to.

"Rhys spoke some sense earlier, didn't he?"
"Yep."
"Maybe we should try that. Like, make a list of all the things you have done for him."
"Maybe, Soph. Let's just watch this." Leah spoke, her eyes not leaving the TV.
"Yeah, sorry."