A Storm Is Brewing

True Expression

We spent our evening talking about anything that wasn't bottles, prams, or nappies before making up for our lost alone time back at the hotel.

"Le, don't take this the wrong way. Promise?"
"I promise, what is it?"
"Do you remember the clear folder we were sent home from the hospital with?"
"Yeah."
"There were leaflets in it. Did you see them?"
"No."
"They were about people we could talk to if we were struggling with things. I kept them for us, just in case."
"Of course you did, Soph. You are practically the leaflet lady at this point." She chuckled.
"I kept them because I thought that I might need them, Le."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Did you think you were going to feel the way I do?"
"I didn't know, Le, but I wanted to be sure that I knew who to reach out to if I did."
"Did you not expect it to be me, then?"
"It's not just you, though, Le. It just feels that way to you because I have so much attention on me all of the time. I get the sympathetic looks, the tight hugs, the reassuring nods from the health visitor, and the reminders of how well I'm doing as a parent. I know you don't get that. I know that."
"I get that from you." Leah protested.
"I know, babe. It's really sweet that you think that's enough for you, but I know it isn't. I see how your face drops when people say he's a credit to me or that he fought hard for me. I saw how happy you were when you were the centre of his universe in the hospital after I had stayed at home."
"I just liked to feel like someone thought he needed me."
"I know." I whispered, pulling her closer to me.
"I love you."
"I love you. People don't mean harm; they just think that I suffered the most because I had to give birth early and then deal with a premature baby."
"You did, though. And you were incredible."
"Do you remember when you got there that day and I said that I had you coming home to look forward to at a time when anyone else would've had nothing bright about their future?"
"Yeah. That made my heart do something." She whispered.
"I meant it; I truly meant that. I spent that time thinking he was probably not going to survive, but I knew you were coming home. For as long as I knew that you were coming home, a tiny little part of my heart stayed alive. You didn't have that, though. You were on that plane for hours, thinking you were coming home to grieve."
"That doesn't make it worse for me, though." Leah protested, defensively saying that I had more reason to hurt than she did. Selfless.
"I know. It means we suffered trauma in different ways back then, and that means that we'll cope with it in different ways."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Do you think if I'd been there, you'd have been more okay?"
"Truthfully?"
"Yeah."
"No, Le. I don't. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear or not, but you being there wouldn't have changed what happened. Maybe you'd have been there with me, and that obviously would've been comforting, but my trauma doesn't come from your absence; it comes from all the moments we had to accept that maybe he wasn't going to survive the things he had to overcome."
"I thought your trauma came from me." Leah whispered.
"Is that why you won't leave my side now?" I chuckled.
"Yeah. I feel so guilty, Sophie. I was meant to protect you; I was meant to be there for all of it. We used to joke about you breaking my hand during the birth or screaming at me in that strong Irish accent you get when you're angry. I hear it, you know? The noise of you lying on the floor in the background of mum's call to me. I hear it over and over and over again."
"When, Le?"
"What do you mean?"
"When did you last hear it?"
"Tonight, when we were leaving the house."
"Before that?"
"This morning, when we had Teddy in the bath."
"And before that?"
"I think it was last night when I put him to bed."
"Don't you see the pattern?"
"What pattern?"
"That noise. You hear it when you're doing something that you think could lead to something else happening. You were afraid that tonight was your idea, and if something happened to him when we were out, then it would be your fault. You hate when we bath him because you're afraid that you'll hurt him. You don't even want to put him to bed in case he doesn't wake up."
"You know that?" She whispered, referencing the last sentence.
"Yeah."
"It's stupid, isn't it?"
"No, Le. You love him more than I could ever have imagined you to love our baby—like, it actually makes my heart feel like it's on fire. And someday, you'll see that loving too much can be just as hard as loving too little."
"So, I shouldn't love him so much?" She raised an eyebrow, tilting her head back on my chest to look up at me.
"No, I meant it has to be evenly distributed." I chuckled.
"In non-lawyer-educated words, please?"
"You have placed all of your love into protecting him. Take a little bit for making him laugh, a little bit for thinking about his future, a little bit for picking out his clothes, etc., and before you know it, protecting him won't feel so heavy. It'll just be part of loving him, rather than your job."
"I think I can understand what you mean."
"I love you, Le."
"I love you. And I missed this." She smirked, connecting our lips together.
"Yeah? What did you -"

Beep.

"Oh my god." Leah sighed, moving to let me reach for my phone.
"It's your mum."
"Is he not sleeping for her?"
"Look."

Amanda
Sleeping sound for his grandma! Night everyone xx

"He's so perfect, Soph." Leah smiled.
"So are you."
"Are you trying to seduce me, Kelly?"
"It's Williamson now, you know?"
"You didn't deny the seducing part."
"No, I didn't." I smirked.

Just a few seconds in, it became clear that we were both much too tired, but neither of us wanted to ruin the moment.

"On three, say what you're thinking." I whispered.
"1, 2, 3. I'm so tired." We said in unison, chuckling at one another.
"Sleep?"
"Sleep." Leah nodded, pulling my body as close to her as she could.
"I'm proud of you, Le."
"What for?"
"Being vulnerable tonight."
"About that..."
"Yeah?"
"If I did want to talk to someone, would you come with me? I'm not sure I could do it alone."
"Of course, you just let me know when you're ready."
"I'm ready now, and I think you knew that."
"I think so too." I smiled.
"You are something else." Leah whispered, placing a kiss on my cheek.
"Night, Le."
"Night, Soph."

Despite our tiredness, we lay in each other's arms for a while longer before either of us managed to fall asleep. Leah broke the silence once more.

"Soph?"
"Yeah?"
"You were wrong about something."
"What was I wrong about?"
"You said I didn't have anything to look forward to on the plane."
"Yeah?"
"I had you."

Butterflies... Again.