A Storm Is Brewing

Tide Is Turning

It wasn't unexpected that we didn't speak much the rest of the night; I didn't really have much talk in me, even if I knew we needed to. Leah had been awake every time I'd woken up during the night, pretending to be asleep when I would lift my head up to look at her. I knew what she was doing. It was obvious that she was afraid of falling asleep and waking up without me there because technically, nothing had really been sorted out. As much as I resisted, my body eventually found its way towards her side of the bed, my lips pressing against her forehead before my face nuzzled into her neck.

When the cries of mummy started the following morning, I knew I had to leave her to sleep for a little longer. Even if she wanted me to think she'd been asleep all night. I slipped out of bed quietly, creeping across the floor to reach the door without waking her, but stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of her bolting upright in the bed.

"Soph?" The worry in her voice hurt.
"It's just after 7; go back to sleep for a while, babe."
"No, I'm up." She struggled through a yawn.

I wanted to tell her that I knew she'd stayed awake most of the night and only allowed herself to sleep once I made it clear we would be okay eventually, but I didn't want to out her. Instead, I made my way towards her, sitting on the edge of the bed and cupping her cheek with my hand.

"I'm just going to be downstairs. We didn't go to bed until late; you're bound to be exhausted. Get some sleep, babe."
"Aren't you tired?"
"I'll expect a lie-in tomorrow." I chuckled, heading back towards the door.

By the time she surfaced, I'd managed to get Teddy and myself ready, well presentable, and fed. We'd spent the morning playing on the floor, mostly consisting of him bouncing from toy to toy and never really settling on an actual game. I couldn't help but smile as he waddled around the room, looking back at me for permission before he did something he knew he wasn't allowed to do and then doing it anyway.

Leah entered the room groggily, rubbing her eyes as she bent down to give him a hug, acting like they hadn't seen each other in weeks. When she straightened herself back up, she glanced towards the space on the sofa beside me and then towards the chair opposite.

"You can sit, you know." I chuckled.
"You sure?"
"Course."

She shuffled towards the sofa, gazing across at the little boy who had always been so wanted, even during the times when his chances were unknown. I didn't have to wonder what she was thinking; I was thinking it too: what would he think of us if he knew the thoughts we'd had about his sibling? Despite the noises coming from the toys on the floor, the room was eerily silent as we both prolonged the conversation we knew needed to take place.

"Is it too cold for the beach?" Her words startled me.
"Hm?"
"I was going to say we could take him to the beach and we could have a chat there. Is it too cold for that? Maybe it's a silly idea."
"He has plenty of coats." I smiled.
"I'll just go and get ready."

She was nervous, and when she returned from getting ready, she seemed more nervous than before. So it was no surprise that the car journey to the beach was silent, apart from the odd incoherent shout from the car seat in the back. The beach was empty, with a few randoms strolling by us every once in a while as we taught Teddy how to cover his own legs in sand, and he was still just as shocked every time they reappeared. It was a moment of disbelief that things could be so complete yet so incomplete. We were happy but so unhappy, comfortable but so uncomfortable.

Eventually we left him to play beside us, sitting side by side and listening to the waves crash in the distance. In that moment, I couldn't help but think back to the time when I'd been sitting nervously on the beach to surprise Leah after yet another miscommunication had caused her to detour on her way home from camp. My mind snapped out of the replay when I felt her drape her jacket over my shoulders, a small act that I knew she felt was needed because I was pregnant, even if she didn't want me to be. I still wasn't convinced.