A Storm Is Brewing

Law Awards Pt.1

Leah POV

Since the revelations made by Liv, Sophie had been struggling to contain her emotions in every way possible. She was irritable, emotional, and lacked that bright smile that I had fallen in love with all those years ago. I wanted to tell myself that it hadn't been a struggle, but as the days rolled by, it became clear that the old Soph appeared to be gone. Of course, I'd tried the obvious things: the words of affirmation, the silly little jokes that used to bring that hearty laugh to the surface, and the embraces. None of them worked.

I'd never been one to diagnose any kind of problem using the internet, but with my ideas quickly running out and Sophie's refusal to speak to me about how she was feeling, it felt like my only option. It wasn't hard to find time to do so; Sophie had been going to bed at least an hour before me every single night, making sure she slipped into the bathroom to get changed so I couldn't walk in. Maybe it should've been obvious to me, but when you feel like your relationship is falling apart, it isn't always easy to see the wood from the trees.

The internet told me the likely culprits—a never-ending list of reasons why my wife didn't want to be anywhere near me anymore. I knew that the suggestion that anyone else was involved wasn't at all fathomable; Sophie rarely left the house now, and when she did, it was usually to see one of our parents. Other options seemed more likely: body image issues, trust issues, stress, or depression.

Body image seemed possible. She refused to change around me, hated when I proudly attempted to snap pictures of her, and the upcoming law awards invitation had sparked an undeniable sense of dread to wash across her face. I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand how Sophie could think she was anything short of perfect. Maybe it was selfish of me to eliminate that one on the grounds that it was impossible once I'd thought about it, but how could she not feel beautiful?

Trust issues. The insecure part of my own brain wanted to take that as a personal attack, but the side that Sophie had helped me develop over the years allowed me to realise that trust issues could come from anywhere, and I had just been the person to notice it. From Rhys' selfish decision to use Liv as some kind of emotional blackmail to Sophie's trust in her own body after Teddy's birth, the list of reasons why Sophie might feel that she shouldn't trust anyone, or anything, right now was endless.

Stress. She'd always been a stress head. Sophie thrived on leaving things to the last minute and then giving herself a ticking time bomb to complete everything on time. With a baby, that was no longer possible. Perhaps the inability to make free time and just cram everything in at the last moment was getting to her more than I had realised. On top of that came the months of stressing that she had done over my own downward spiral. Everything had been so focused on myself and Teddy that Sophie came last in some imaginary pecking order.

Depression. When I was younger, I'd look at depression as everyone else with no experience did. I thought to be depressed, you had to be in bed all the time, cry the entire time you were awake, and want to end your life. As I grew older, I realised that functioning depression was a real-life thing, like a functioning alcoholic. Sophie didn't fit the NHS guidelines for symptoms, but as I read stories of sufferers on the internet, I started to see similarities. One person said that they didn't want to do things that required too much effort because when they didn't enjoy them, they felt like they'd failed, which amplified their own feelings. Another said that they avoided people they were close to because they knew they'd be the first to realise they had a problem. I scrolled and scrolled as more and more comments began to fit the narrative: I only feel joy around my children; I struggle to feel close to anyone; I haven't slept with my husband in over eight months; everything I do just feels a little bit more exhausting now; I feel irritable a lot; I miss life before I had depression; it feels like the world is against me.