Organized Crime: Unorganized

Chapter 61

"You came clean to them" Marie began. 
"I did"
"You also took someone's life"
"I did"
"You let your feelings out and your team stood by you as long as you needed them too. And James comforted you"
"They did" Grace nodded.
"So what are you feeling right now? What's going through your head?"
"How easy it was to pull that trigger, how easy it was for me to take his life. I didn't hesitate"
"You were doing your job-"
"Last time I did my job I ended up screwing a mob boss and falling in love with him and his kids. Last time I did my job I killed people" Grace bit.
"This time you shot a bad man-"
"He had kids. He was a parent providing for his children-"
"You've killed people for Liam and Connor, you provided for them"
"That's different" Grace sighed deeply.
"How?"
"How?" She laughed lightly.
"Explain it to me"
"He stole from mafia bosses and got shot as a result. I killed to play a role in order to get them out. It's completely different" Grace bit.
"All I see is two people protecting their children. So, why are you more critical of yourself?" Grace remained silent "Self esteem issues. You judge yourself for your actions even if your presented with an impossible choice. You blame yourself even if your just doing your job, what they have asked you to do"
"I...it isn't my fault?" Grace asked her eyes welling with tears. She looked like a child being told her parents divorce was not her fault. Innocent. Broken. In need of comfort.
"No. Far from it" Marie assured her, reaching across to squeeze her hand lightly "You can stop blaming yourself now. I give you permission to forgive yourself, all you have to do is take it"
"Is it really that easy?" Grace asked through tears.
"Yes it is. Once you let go of your fears it can be more than easy to forgive yourself"
"Dystychiphobia. Do you know what that means?"
"The fear of hurting someone else"
"I'm afraid of hurting them, their too good for me"
"Maybe everyone that has hurt you wasn't good enough for you" Marie suggested.
"Why do you see the good in me? Why do they?"
"Because they see beyond what you do. They see a friend who is willing to die for them, they see a friend who is willing to protect them. They see that despite all your pain, the kindness that you have for them and for the victims you help every day"
"I'm trying to let them in, to lower my walls but, I'm scared" Grace admitted "For so long I've only relied on myself, letting myself be vulnerable, powerless, it's hard"
"You won't be powerless. You'll be stronger together, with your team"
"And James? What about...us?"
"In my opinion, I think that you should abstain from him, just focus on finding yourself for a while and your friendship before you decide if he is what you want" Marie suggested.
"I want him so bad" Grace groaned, her head rolling back onto the back of the couch.
"To fuck him or date him?" Marie asked, her question surprising her.
"Sugar coat it why don't you" Grace laughed lightly "Both" she admitted "The sex isn't just sex with him. It's so much more than that, it's protective, it's passionate, it's hot but it's also close. Sex with him is..." Grace trailed off as she searched for the right word.
"It's intimate" Marie offered, earning a nod from her.
"Sex made me feel dirty. With James, I feel beautiful"
"It's about release just as much as it is about feeling beautiful and understood" Marie suggested earning another nod from her.
"I just don't want to hurt any of them. I want him. I want to be the friend they deserve and I am trying but, its hard" 
"No one said it would be easy, but your trying, your making a start" Marie told her "Tell me when your first felt powerless" 
"When I caught my father cheating on my mother and he asked me to lie to her" Grace admitted, her eyes glued to the floor "I did it to protect him because even as a child I knew that it would tare my parents apart. We would sit at the dinner table and talk and laugh as if we were the perfect family. I would look my mother in her eyes and try to guess if she knew. She didn't. I felt powerless because I couldn't stop him from cheating, I couldn't stop what happened when she found out. Because of me, because I was powerless that day my father left and my mother shut me out" Grace told her. 
"You were just a child" Marie told her, meeting her eyes "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't control him cheating on your mother, you couldn't control her reaction to it. You were a child. You were a child when you got raped, you couldn't control that or your mothers reaction. None of that was your fault" Marie assured her as tears began rolling down her cheeks. 
"What about the drugs or the pills or the anonymous sex?" 
"You were a child. You needed guidance, you needed help and no one gave it to you. You shoved everything down and tried to forget, you pushed it so far down that you ignored your own pain, you let it pile up until it spilled over and you still blamed yourself. Every choice you made was a cry for help but you still fought through it, you still did what you thought was best in order to protect others-" 
"I lied. I deceived people that I love-"
"You did what was right" Marie cut her off to assure her "You didn't tell your mother because you wanted to protect her, you push James and your team away to protect them, you died protecting Liam and Connor. You push anything do with what you want away because you feel that you don't deserve it but I cannot understand why. You deserve happiness and love and a fairy tale ending, all you have to do is take it, but you won't" 
"I'm not normal, I don't know what normal is. My team, James, they deserve happiness and love and fairy tale endings, I don't" Grace shrugged. 
"You do. And until you accept that your a normal human being that can make choices and mistakes you won't be able to take what you deserve, you won't be able to be happy or have James" 
"Isn't there an easier, faster way?" 
"Unfortunately, no. It's going to be hard and its going to hurt but if you work through it, everything will figure itself out" Marie assured her. 
"Hard way it is then"