crack chapters

June

June 1st

Even the mention of the month made my stomach drop. When I had woke up today with the reminder to start packing on my phone I almost didn't want to believe it.

I wanted to go back in time where there was no threat of me leaving and school was the only thing on my mind.

I will not pack today, today I will keep the illusion that our last day is normal. Today I will take pictures with my friend group and hug goodbye and wish each other good luck in life.

Empty promises to meet up every once in a while, to catch up and talk about life.

Elena always said they could never do anything because I was always gone, but now that was true. I would no longer be in any group chats soon, my messages will slowly dwindle until no one noticed I'm not even there anymore.

This week will be hell.

June 2nd

My things have been packed into boxes and duffle bags that sat in the middle of my carpeted floor.

Every folded shirt that was tucked away into a duffle bag or thrown away into the trash took a piece of me with it.

Every time I held a shirt that once belonged to Silas I would clutch it to my chest and almost set it aside to keep for myself.

There was two shirts folded safely aside into a duffle bag I was taking to Kansas. I would allow myself those two guilty items of remembrance.

Archer and Lance will forever be held close to my heart and soul, in a box that will be stored safely in a closet.

The boxes sat there haunting me with their dull color and overwhelming presence. A constant reminder I will be betraying everyone I knew and leaving behind everything I had ever known.

In three days as cringe as it sounds I will be a distant memory, like someone on a missing person poster. That's technically what I will be, gone, tucked away into another state slipping under everyone else's nose.

In three days Silas will never forgive me for what I've done to him. I will be the selfish person in our story and I'm okay with letting him think like that of me.

If there is no love left towards me that means he wouldn't miss me, if he hated me it would be better than everything.

How can I do this yet feel so guilty?

June 3rd

Today I will hang out with Silas for one last time. What he doesn't know is after today my contact will slowly cut and I'll blame it on the time difference.

I'll blame it on the fact I'm busy with prep college classes and he's too busy in Mexico.

My new phone has arrived in the mail today. Another plain simple Android until I arrive in Kansas and buy another phone.

I left it on my desk while I got ready, the nervousness of what would happen tomorrow settling in my stomach.

How could Silas look at me with so much love or that I was his whole world and I was gonna take that away from him?

How could the weight of his hand ground me to earth and break me down all at once? Why was I taking that away from myself?

What self-sabotage was I putting myself through for probably no good reason?

I was hurting us both with a double-ended sword in hope that one side was duller than the other.

And why do I wish I had the duller side?

June 4th

I had wished Silas goodnight telling him that I had an early flight and I will talk to him tomorrow. That's not true, my cousin will be changing my Instagram password and I will be deleting the app.

My phone number will be shut off and changed by tomorrow, my stuffed animals will have been shipped off to Goodwill and I will have given my cousin my perfumes and lotion.

My old clothes have been trashed and donated, my posters have been taken down and thrown out. My paintings have been moved into the living room, and I've switched my shampoo and conditioner to a hibiscus-scented one.

I've stopped using my curling cream and changed to a different brand that smells like flowers instead of sweet coconut. My phone will soon be put into a random box and I will switch to the phone that had arrived in the mail yesterday.

It felt so weird not to check my phone every few minutes for a text from Silas. Right now he thought nothing of my absence but soon everything will come crashing down.

From this second on our future together was only an illusion, a desire that could never be reached.

Something so close and yet I was ripping it away from both of us. Selfishly. But I've always been selfish.

I hope he does what's best for him, even if it's without me. I hope he has the best life he could ever have, I hope he becomes a doctor in the trauma unit.

I hope he finds new friends that treat him better than I could, I hope he meets someone he decides he wants in his life forever.

And I hope I never hear a thing about it.

June 5th

Today Silas thinks I'm getting on a plane. Today he thinks I will come back after a month so we could go to a local community college together after our senior year. Today he thinks my one-month vacation in 'Texas' isn't permanent.

What he doesn't know is I'm leaving. I'm never coming back to California again. Today will be his last text message to me, his last call.

Today will be the last time he hears my voice or my laugh. What Silas doesn't know is I'm moving to Kansas. Permanently. After keeping it a secret for three years because I didn't want to break the illusion of our future together.

I would tell him the truth but I can't. I'm selfish, I always have been and always will be. But in a way I hoped he held more hatred toward me than missing me.

If he was mad at me how could he miss me?

The day I found out in freshman year that I was leaving I lashed out cursing the world. I still do, the only good thing in my life was being taken away from me, but by my own hands.

I never understood in movies when the main character before they step on a plane to leave they look back into the airport. Of their home.

But that's what I felt like right now, the crushing reality of what I was doing, of what I was leaving.

I was leaving everything both physically and mentally. I no longer had the last name Crow, I was now Montgomery.

I had stripped myself away and started anew

But was it really for the best?