The New Batman Adventures - A Bounty Hunter's Love

Gotham Noir

The New Batman Adventures 'Fan Fiction Love Story'

By Tayla Drago

Gotham Girls

Episode #116 - Gotham Noir

Now here's something from a mystery detective movie thing. A fade into a building—a building with windows, outside and inside, emblazoned with 'HQPI'. Harley Quinn narrates in the classic noir style as, taking the role of a private eye, she agrees to help Catwoman find her cat, Velma.

"She had legs. Legs that started in New Jersey and ended up here: in that litterbox known as Gotham City."

"It's Velma." said Catwoman. "You have to find her."

The second photo shows Megan (being a cool looking girl type of posing model) to be questioned by Detective Harley.

"Velma, huh? Well, I didn't see much of cats lately but the streets." she said. "I bet officer Batgirl might've seen the one you're looking for."

"Thanks, Megs, and keep it style."

Once she left, Megan breaks the fourth wall to remove the clothing and says this...

"Hey! I look stupid wearing this! Is this the only part I get-?!"

Cutting back to have another photo sees her talking to Batgirl (as a beat cop), but gets nowhere, especially after bringing up 'the catnip trade'.

"Velma, an orange cat that I've seen only to turn her in last month." she said.

"Not that cat, Velma, with beautiful fur and golden eyes." Harley gives her the details. "Had to be in the alley somewhere."

The next setting is a greenhouse, where having acquired a photo of Velma at some point, she asks Poison Ivy, who shows distaste for cats in general, thanks to what they tend to do to her plants.

"This is what happens to cats...!" Ivy gets mad to calming down after that. "They're poison."

I guess cats love to eat plants.

"It seems you wouldn't care if something were to happen to it." Harley reply.

"I won't, but I didn't touch that dumb feline."

However, she is unrelated to Velma's disappearance. Harley's last shot is to stake out Velma's alley. Seemingly without even thinking about it, she takes out a can of tuna and finds a cat rubbing up against her, then stealing it and running through a fence with his prize...where Harley, catching up, finds him sharing it with Velma on the other side.

"It's an old story, cat. You've been dumped for a guy with a can of tuna." Harley tells Catwoman that.

She relates this to Catwoman, and refuses to tell her where she is—only that she told her she's looking for her, and that she seems to have settled down with the other cat, whoever he is, giving her, a pile of black-and-white photographs showing Velma, her new boyfriend, and a kitten between them. Harley also mentions that Velma wanted her to give her something and reveals another kitten under her hat. Catwoman names her 'Velma, Jr.' and walks off.

"Aw, Velma Jr."

So cute!!! Harley, sitting at her typewriter, finishes her story:

"She turned around on her padded heels and walked off. I never saw her, or Velma again. The end." then she turns to the camera, declaring that... "You see? Anyone can write this stuff!"

Catwoman, leaning into her window, expresses her disagreement.

"Speak for yourself, Shakespeare."

Ha, nice one!