Is It Really Hate?

Chapter 16

Tw: Panic attack

Isaac-

Today's the day of the funeral. The funeral for my dad. Is it wrong that it's the day I'm burying my dad and all I can think about is how Mia looked on top of me?

Last night after she left and I tried to go through some of the files Mr. D gave me. I couldn't focus on them because my mind kept going back to the way she whimpered, how she would pull on my hair. I left the office, went home, and got in the shower. Hoping, praying, that would help.

Let's just say it didn't help. Nothing has helped. What's really not helping is the fact that she's here, in a black dress that hugs her body in all the right places while still being an appropriate dress for a funeral. She even left her hair in its natural curls.

I love her curls. I wish she would leave it curly all the time. But then again I hate them. Especially right now. They are making this so much harder for me.

That's not the only thing that's hard...

We haven't talked. Quick glances towards each other but that's it. Re-Re and CJ came up to me earlier to see how I'm doing. They are like the parents of our group. Always having the advice, knowing when something is wrong, always making sure everyone is comfortable. Re-Re has a good mom complex. CJ is like the fun dad type.

When I told them I was fine Re-Re looked me dead in the eyes and said "I'm not a fucking idiot theres something wrong and from what i've seen it's not because we're at your dads funeral, so what is it? If you don't want to tell us it's fine but if you do then we're here."

I told her I didn't really wanna talk about it. I mean what was I supposed to say, 'Oh nothing, I'm just trying to get over the never ending boner I have.' Like no I was not telling them that.

Noah came over and talked to me and my mom for a bit. He made her laugh which was good because I can tell all of this was hard on her. Mrs. M had been talking to my mom all day trying to help cheer her up.

Family from out of town have been coming up to me saying how sorry they are for my loss and how my dad wad a great man. There's business partners of my dad's here. A few of which seem to not understand that this is a funeral and not a business meeting. They've come up to me trying to talk about some business ideas and deals and shit. How insensitive can you be to talk about business deals at a funeral?

During the service I had to sit by Mia. Her parents and my mom sat together and then Mia sat next to me, all on the first row. Our families have always been close, just me and Mia never really got along so we kept our distance. That distance turned into a hatred, and that hatred turned into a weird feeling that we don't quite know what to do about.

I've been trying not to think about my dad dying. I mean between busying myself with paperwork and stuff and then the thoughts of Mia, I haven't really processed it all.

Sitting here, listening to my mom cry as the choir sings, hearing my grandma crying. It's all hitting me at once. I'm trying to not cry, I hate crying. It's stupid, crying doesn't fix it. For me crying makes things worse.

I feel someone grab my hand and squeeze it. Looking down at Mia who is looking at me with this look. I can't tell what it is but it's comforting. It helps me take my mind off of all of this. She brings my hand to her mouth and kisses the back of it. She then looks back at me and whispers, "It's okay. Everything is gonna be fine. Cry if you need to, you have every right to cry."

Those words. Coming from her of all people. Make me cry. I feel a tear falling from my eyes. My vision is blurry. The tears start coming down even more. Before I know it I feel like the world is crashing. Everything's hitting me. My dad is dead, we're burying him today, I didn't even get to talk to him before he died. I hadn't talked to him in two days. He was supposed to call me when he left the mission. I didn't think anything of it when he didn't call. I thought maybe he was busy, or maybe he forgot.