Is It Really Hate?

Chapter 27

Fuck this. I hate this.

A month. A month since I've been alone with Mia. A month since I heard her talk or argue with me without it being mandatory.

I'm going insane. I never realized just how much I need to hear her talk to me. I never thought I would miss being around her when it's just me and her.

She's sitting here flirting with some guy, I think his name is Walker or something. He's basic, boring, and I know she's only flirting with him to make me mad. And while on the outside you wouldn't be able to tell that this is bothering me, but on the inside I feel the urge to kill him.

I can't do anything about this though, considering the fact that I've been 'dating' Lisa. I'm not even dating her honestly. It's just for show. We both get something out of it. I get to keep my life and keep Mia safe and Lisa gets to make Mia mad. I didn't really know Lisa's intentions at first, I knew that they had problems in the past but I didn't even think about it when I asked her to agree to fake date me. I didn't tell Lisa my reasoning for needing her to date me though. I was kind of shocked she agreed so fast with no questions.

I remember the look on Mia's face when she told Lisa that day in the hallway that I had my tongue between her legs just a few days before I kissed Lisa.

The kiss sucked. It made me wish I could grab Mia and kiss her. Kiss her until neither of us could breathe.

Everyday. Everyday I miss her. I miss her in every way there is. I wish I could explain to her why I'm doing this. God, we weren't even dating, we still 'hated' each other and here I am missing her. Missing her like we did go through a break up.

This feels like a break up honestly. It hurts like one.

I haven't slept good this whole month. My nightmares came back and my panic attacks have gotten worse. The only difference between the nightmares I used to get and the ones I get now is that they're about Mia. Mia dying to be more specific.

When did she become such an important person in my life? When did the hatred we had for each other start to fully fade? Is it just me? Or is it her too? Does she feel the same way?

I hope she knows I'm sorry. She probably doesn't but I wish I could send her some type of message from my brain saying how sorry I am. If only she knew that I'm protecting her.

I know she can't hear my thoughts but I'm so sorry baby. I'll fix this. All of it. Soon. I promise.