Broken Ice

Chapter Twenty-One

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"I need you to understand, I don't need saving, not from anyone. What I need is to be my own redemption." ~Anonymous

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Thea's P.O.V.

I was a zombie.

I had the whole paler than white bread thing going on, along with the purple crescent moons under my eyes that make me look like I was just sucker punched in the face. Not to mention, my hair was literally it's own maze and well, I just looked like a resurrected dead body.  

I was a zombie. Not just by physical standards either.

I felt dead on the inside. Numb.

There was nothing. I was the blank space Taylor Swift sings about. There was this humongous black void just sitting inside my chest like a bird perched in its cage. The fluttering darkness inside me was terrifying.

But you know what was more terrifying? The fact that I didn't bother sending it away. I allowed the darkness to stay. I guess what they say is true. Misery does love company.

And that's how I spent my Sunday. Feeling and looking like a zombie, staring at my sky blue walls and wondering why the hell this was happening again. It didn't make sense. One second I could allow myself to feel and embrace memories without having a single panic attack, and then, suddenly I couldn't.

I eventually figured it out, the source of this black void, this indescribable hopelessness.

Me.

I was the source of my own destruction.

Terrifying thought, isn't it?

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Monday morning arrived faster than personally wanted. I woke up groaning, my nose stuffy and a blinding headache to match it. Remind me not to think so hard the next time.

I glared at my clock, which read  7:00 am. I didn't fall asleep until 4:00 am last night; I was mentally and physically exhausted. I slammed my hand down on my alarm clock button to cease the incessant ringing.

Another Monday. You what that means Thea? Nicolai and his stupid unsolvable sessions.

I really can't handle him today, especially not after what went down between us at his grandmother's house on Saturday. I sighed, pushing myself out of my comforting bed and made my way to my bathroom.

As I gazed at myself in the mirror, I realized I looked just as I felt. Horrible and sickening.

I grabbed an aspirin for my pounding headache and took a seat on the closed toilet seat lid.

There's no way I can go to school like this. There's absolutely no way I can handle other people feeling like this.

Without another thought, I hopped off the toilet seat and stumbled down the stairs. Grabbing the phone in the living room, I dialed my school number and called in sick, saying I came down with a cold. Once the deed was done, I quickly made my way back up the stairs and climbed back into bed.