Sanity | Ghorror [C]

Chapter 10 | Snapped

There's no way my heart could have softened. It was made of the hardest stone, shrunk more than the Grinch's. Somehow the ice that flowed through my veins had unthawed and I'm seeing a different color in the world. No, there's no way. I was born evil, built to never love and only to reap. Lust is the closet I ever got to passion.

Now I realize there was something different in Ricky's kiss, very different. It was a symphony of sparks and lightning. I was just in too much denial to feel it. Is it even possible for me to love anyone? I don't love myself. My mind must just be confused. This much time behind the same walls can weigh on your sanity.

Mike saw how put out I had become. He ran his hand down my jaw as he asked, "You okay?"

"Huh? Um, y-yeah. I'm fine." I replied.

He didn't believe me much. I didn't really believe me. His sharp nails lightly ran down my exposed chest as he studied me. "Are you sure?"

"I'm fine." I insisted. "Just stop talking."

I didn't give him time to protest before I slammed my lips against his. We can't control who we hurt so we fuck the pain away. I tried to forget this all by practically mouth-fucking Mike. He wasn't complaining and it worked for the time being. If Ricky really is an innocent, he doesn't deserve to have to put up with my mad mind. Even if he's a little on the crazy side, he'll never be as insane as I am. I don't want to hurt him, and that fact just further proves that I care for him more than I should.

My time in Mike's lap and on his lips helped me to forget this all somewhat. Once it was over, however, I was back to thinking about all this. I don't like these thoughts in my head. There shouldn't be a possibility for me to love. It's not right. Anyone who thinks letting me be capably of such a powerful emotion is a good thing, is more crazy than I am.

Once we were pushed inside by guards, they allowed us to go take showers. I know I should be honoring my promise to protect Ricky, but my mind is fucked up right now. I couldn't look at him because anytime I did, I felt this unfamiliar feeling in my gut. It was so happy and sweet. I fucking hated it. I'm a vicious killer, not a freshman in high school. I shouldn't be getting butterflies.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was beside myself. I just didn't want to accept this as reality. The other guys assumed I was being my usual stoic, quiet self. When we got ten minutes into eating and I hadn't touched my food or said a word, they knew something was wrong.

"Devin, are you okay?" Ryan cautiously questioned.

I didn't say anything in response, only stared. I was worried if I did open my mouth I'd break and just scream or cry or something along those lines. My brain was not working right. Without a word, I folded my arms over the table and laid my head on them.

"I'll take that as a no." Balz commented. "Dev, come on. It can't be that bad that you can't tell us."

Mike set his hand on my thigh under the table. He leaned towards me but I turned my face away from his even more. That ended up in me looked over at Chris and Ricky. Damn it, Ricky was so beautiful. I sat up straight and just stared at the table because I couldn't bare to look at anyone right now.

Chris put his hand on my back, whispering, "Is it something you don't want everyone to hear?" I glanced over to him and nodded. Chris sighed in understanding. "Can it wait until tomorrow morning at least?"

"I hope." I managed to say. "I just need to think."

"I understand." He spoke, then took his hands off of me. Chris shoed Mike off of me as well, but being left alone gave me only a small bit of relief. Then I caught Chris whisper to Ricky, "It's rare he gets like this, but for your safety, the best thing to do is give him his space and silence. Be careful how loud you breathe around him when he's like this."

"Is he going to be okay?" He murmured fearfully.

"He should be. Just make sure you listen to what I told you. The longest I've seen him like this is max, four days. He'll snap out of it." Chris replied.

"And what happens if I don't listen to what you told me?" Ricky asked.

He sighed, seeming reluctant to tell Ricky the truth. "You'll find out exactly why he's the most feared inmate in this prison."