Doll (MikaYuu)

♦20♦ - Mushy Fuzzy

"In the midst of the night when I could not rest, I stood in front of my mirror in a dim light. Restless, I was. I felt like hope kept shaking me awake. How nervous was I? Well, not nervous. I felt gifted by something so magnificent that I could not obtain all of the emotion. I needed to release it! So, I will try and tell you what I felt that night, Yuu.

I stared at myself in just my undergarments, thinking that one day, this would be mine again. My waist, my legs, my chest, my hair, what was in between my legs... They would all be mine again. I touched my skin, no longer feeling those dark hands gripping and pulling at me for their own greed. I no longer felt the dirt of gross words and whispers lingering there, crawling underneath my skin and making their way into my mind. It was a feeling that I was not even sure would last forever. But it felt like no other feeling that was good to me.

Let me correct myself - my body was always mine. It always was; everything in me and on me I owned. I just always had to unwillingly share it. I always had to let the dark hands obtain parts of me, no matter what pleads and cries I made. My body was always mine, I just never got to own it.

Everyone is born with their own body, and to have their own control of it be purloined was the most discomforting crime.

There was a time when I could not recognize the boy I saw in the mirror. I had been molested one too many times and lost what I used to have. I did not recognize my body because it was not mine. I could not recognize my face because it was a dark, hate-filled expression that loathed self-existence. I did not know who I was.

I told myself I did not care about what happened to it anymore. It was not mine! I had no say over a body that was not mine. That body was no longer under my consent. I still carried the weight of maintenance and pain and sexual stimulation that I did not enjoy. I felt like I was possessing a bad life. Goodbye, Doll!

But now my body could become mine again. And it was all thanks to you, Yuichiro. You are the only man I know to have come from the suburbs with an origination of the strangest vocabulary and silliest of jokes and ideas, and spill coffee on me, and land yourself a job alongside me and save me. You are a miracle. You are the only gift I adore alongside my mother.

You are perfect, and I could never express this to you with your silliness. You are innocent, and you are curious. I find these things in teasing you. I am attracted to you in a way that is newly foreign to me, and all of the words in my two languages could not describe how I feel.

When I look at my bare body, I think of how I can do this without feeling disgusted, and it is because of you that I can. Not only did you dig deep enough to discover what was happening to me, but you took me out of the ground and renewed me, and how must a man repay that?

Not only did you do that, but you gave me this new emotion that was much like something I see described in the books I read. A... mushy, fuzzy emotion of adoration and an urge to protect you. It was called "love," but that was a word I was not physically relative with myself. I have never felt it, and if I did, it was different with you. I wanted you, all for myself, to hold and to be my subject in testing this new emotion. Romantic... Right?

I laid in my bed, holding my pillow and pretended it was you that I was embracing. I did not hold it out of lust or a sexual desire, but just for the mere fact that I did not want to let you go. You are a man that showed me the galaxy and fatty city foods and grown men tackling each other in a large field over a great lump of pigskin. You are a man that could humor me with genuine laughter with just a conversation. The adoration I have for you, Yuu, is the best feeling I have discovered in my eighteen years of living.

I want that feeling for the rest of my life. I want you for the rest of my life, because for the first time, I believed that I was in love.

Hey, Yuu... Let's go somewhere, someday..."

-Mikaela

~

IM LAUHBIGN AND CRYIBG