Doll (MikaYuu)

Excerpt 4 ♦ Died in Paradise

I ached to end my life after I told Yuu to go. But that would've been completely contradictory to my plan. I couldn't stand to see his face so stunned, broken and lost, see tears in eyes when he believed that he was going to stay here and help me through it. That is all he ever wanted to do - help me.

Like I once said, Yuu was a savior. My savior.

After the door shut, I reached for it, and I wanted to call him back. I did. My throat screamed for it, my hands itched to turn the knob, and my heart pounded the adrenaline for it.

But I cried instead. Like I always did. I hauled over and cried; I cried his name, cried my mother's name, I cried for anyone who loved me and could help me. But I had to do it on my own. I had the opportunity for Yuu to help me but this was my job. I knew it was, and this was my response to that acknowledgment.

This is how it feels to stop being babied. To stand on your own two feet.

I did not have all the time in the world. I could not stand the air in there any longer, anyway. Filled with screams and bank account beeps and zippers and the sliding on and off of clothes...

Worst of all, I heard me telling Yuu to leave and the screams of me getting molested behind that door time and time again. Getting slapped, forced to enjoy their pleasure... Guilt.

Cause and effect.

I went into my room, everything blurry from my tears. The first thing I did was reach for the godforsaken picture of me with the devil and threw it across the room.

It was her fault. Everything was. The demon in the silence. She worked in absolutely no noise. Made plans in the ominous darkness and watched me attempt to make my way through. I fell right into her goddamn hands every single time.

But tonight, someone had finally given me a damn flashlight. And it was Yuu.

My life was a metaphor. A toxic, morose, pathetically ironic metaphor.

What did I need: clothes, any kind of storage, anything to get me far from here.

I couldn't believe I was getting evicted from my own stay. All because they could not tolerate a kid like me getting caught for being a toy.

Why me? Why not them for the contract? Why not them for letting me get hurt?

I looked around, wiping the tears from an internal war inside of me away from my face. A black bag slouched in the corner, pins and loose threads decorating the sides. Gray sweatpants and a hoodie aligned it, Yuu's essence echoing from it.

Everywhere I turned or looked, Yuu was still there, helping me. He always was. He was like apart of me.

No - he replaced the part of me I was supposed to have for my own. I was supposed to be able to help myself, but instead of me, it was him. I suppose I was helping myself now, but he was still my aid. He would always be.

Someone had finally fallen in love with me... And really did fall hard.

"Thank you, Yuu," I whispered through my cry, kneeling to inspect the bag. I even remember the day he brought it. He was running late. He adored me, made me feel powerful, shy to disappoint. It warmed my heart.

It was empty. I began to savor whatever I could. It wasn't important to list, but just know it got me somewhere. It got me far. Just far enough.

Along also came a painful reminder; files of the case... Seeing it made me sick. I couldn't believe what I did...

I slid his hoodie over my body, his sweet, blissful, handsome scent flooding my nose. I hugged it up to my face, tears drenching the sweet fabric.