Doll (MikaYuu)

♦32♦ - Know

I had always imagined witnessing Mika sleep while he held me - but I just never thought I would actually experience it one day. It was all amazingly worth it. He was so soft... So gentle... He breathed softly and his hands occasionally clenched and unclenched, or he'd rub his legs together and take a deep breath. He didn't snore, which I envied. He was nothing but serene.

Over my clumsiness and coffee I had met this angel, who still somehow found me interesting. I couldn't believe I was even laying with him, yet him having his arms around me. My mind was screaming and my heart felt like it wasn't even beating right anymore. I felt so elated to see him like this, thinking to him as if we were telepathic.

Gosh, Mika. You look beautiful. You know how cute you look when you sleep? With your bangs all tussled and layered over your head and eyes puffed with sleep. You sleep soundlessly; your breathing is completely quiet. Even with half your face pressed into a pillow, I can see all of your features and the admirable details that I've never noticed before because you're always covered in makeup. You have the cutest scratch on your nose, but I don't think you even notice. Do you look at yourself? Do you appreciate yourself? Mika, I love you even more, and I hardly know anything about you. I'm dying to know, it's like you're the water to my thirst of a desire to know. I want to kiss your lips... But you're asleep, no matter how precious and soft they look. I did caress your face, and you were too tired to feel. You were so soft to the touch, and the heat from your cheek radiated to my palm. You were perfect. I stole a few kisses on your collarbones and inhaled how sweet you smelled. To some extent, I wished you were awake, but you sleeping was just too perfect of a beauty. Man... I've never loved somebody this much.

When I told you I loved you, your reaction was like the first time. You were clueless and flustered. Part of me wants to believe it's simply because you're shy, and you are. You have vulnerability and introvertedness that I sometimes have to pry. I just don't understand why you become oblivious. Was it the first time you were ever told you were loved? Are you afraid of loving me? Are you afraid of being loved? You have your secrets and reasons. But no matter what it is, I want to be forever ready to love you properly. You know me, I'm just a simple guy, cheesy and average. But I have a heart. A bigger one than I thought. Maybe it's because you take up all of the space. It's a lot to love you, but it's a good thing. It just means you mean a lot more to me. Having you hold me while you sleep as I thought all of this made me fall even slightly more in love. I mean, I guess I could say I was in love now. I always just said "like" or plain "love," but those aren't suiting what I feel. I'm in love. Deeply and so vastly. I feel cheesy, but whatever. My emotions are all jumbled.

I hope one day you love me back, Mika. And that you can explain to me what it all means to you about love.

I wondered if Mika ever had nightmares, and if he did, what they were about. I would imagine dreaded visions of the prostitutes and strange men and dark nights would be present. Maybe he just didn't dream at all. I wanted to know every single detail about him, it killed me.

I also wanted to see Mika naked. Not because I wanted sex or anything of the sort, I just wanted to see what he saw everyday and night. Did he hate what he saw? Fear what he saw? ...Hurt what he saw? It hurt to think about, but Mika was a silent griever. I didn't know what he did to his body.

When I put it all together, I realized the only thing I knew about Mika was that his mother was his only love. And modeling was his second love, but his mother was always his first. And I never caught him eating meat. I knew little, and I hated it. I loathed being the little tag hanging onto his life that just pestered him and had no knowledge of what I was even clinging onto. And what I hated the most was that Mika and I were attracted to each other, but not in the way we really wanted to be.