I underwent such filth and angst.. Just staring at the small box on the nightstand gave me enough sense of what a body coated in scum would feel like, although I was not experiencing the torment at the exact time. But not only did I feel treacherous physically, my mind felt dirty, too. I felt like I had unwillingly given up a sacred part of me just looking at the blue and black box. Its messages of sublimity was just enough to make me cross my legs in disgust.
Condoms.
I did not order them. They were delivered to me because I required them. Not all of the people who got in bed with me brought them. It was like it was my fault that I had to have them. If only I knew what I had signed up for. I... Felt the true nature of what a Doll was.
My perception of sex before I became a model was a view I did not care for. I never found a need for it. If I were asked about it without an excuse, I would say just that. If I wanted to do such a thing, I would do it if I wanted to, and I would do it with who I chose.
I did not get to chose then. My sexual partners were chosen for me.
Men, women - the choice was not up to me.
They never even asked which I preferred, although my answer didn't exactly meet their doable standards. I wanted someone I loved, not an anon who I did not know. The only thing I ever knew about them was that they were tested and would not make me sick... but they did not love me.
I yearned I just stopped caring about the whole subject in general, and I did for a long time. In fact, for such a long time that I began to misinterpret its meaning. Sex then was just a thing like hugging or kissing and love was just a thing like fairies and dragons.
So... the gloves... The godforsaken gloves... I began to loathe anything that brought me to this extent of vulnerability. Every time I looked at the box, I saw a box full of nightmares where men and women whispered hushed, horrid plans to deepen my scars.
Every time I have to think deeper into these memories to remind you, I feel like I am finally giving my vulnerability and truest bareness to the right person.
YOU ARE READING
Doll (MikaYuu)
RomanceAnd there we were, the two of us, standing at the entrance of his bedroom. "This is where you and I will get to know a lot about each other... And where I will thank you every single night for what you have done for me." "...Every night?" Mika was c...