for him. ~A Tronnor Fic~

22.

Troye.

It's been three weeks and I'm still a mess. I've replaced the hours that I should be spending sleeping with hours spent crying or staring at walls. I've barely been eating, and every time I see, hear, smell, feel, or taste something that reminds me of him, I burst out into tears.

His cologne, his coffee, his favorite songs. I can't even listen to my own songs I wrote for him a few weeks ago. I may have only had the privilege to love him for just eight months but to me, it was a lifetime of love.

I spend most nights laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, questioning everything that ever happened. Lyrics or quotes pop in my head every so often and because of that, I keep a small notebook next to my bed to write them down before I forget them.

In the mornings, I look at the page from the night before and try to see if I can make a song out of it. Most nights it's things along the lines of 'Was it all just a lie to him?' and 'I was an idiot'. Today however, there's an actual coherent thought.

I was a fool for falling for him.

I sit up in bed with a start. I turn to a new page and I write one word on the red line going across the top of the sheet.

Fools.

I start to write my heart down on the sheet of paper, being careful that when a tear fell from one of my eyes it doesn't land on the blue ink I was writing in.

"...I am tired of this place, I hope people change. I need time to replace what I gave away..."

It's still not helping me get over him. My love. The one who still has my heart though he doesn't believe he does. He's always had it. And he always will.

Connor.

"...my happy little pill, take me away. Dry my eyes, bring color to my skies..."

I miss his voice. His sweet, beautiful and soothing voice. The voice that would sing in the shower every time he took one, the one who had the most beautiful and perfect accent I've ever heard.

I yearn to be back on my antidepressants again. My happy pills. I haven't used them since last year but here I am again, wanting to pop pills to clear my mind of the bad thoughts that haunt me every waking minute. When Troye told me he wrote 'Happy Little Pill' because of me and my depression, I realized just how much he meant to me.

I've been listening to his songs off of TRXYE on repeat, along with the song 'Friends' by Ed Sheeran. The song is true, saying friends shouldn't sleep in the same bed and fall in love. It all ends up breaking and falling apart.

Tyler hasn't contacted me at all. Not that I'm complaining, as he's a dick for doing what he did. But an apology would be nice. I wouldn't accept his apology of course, but I would like to know he regrets it. He tried to apologize the night of but he didn't mean it. He was just trying to calm me down by apologizing.

I love Troye, but I can't tell him that anymore now. I need him now more than I've ever needed him before, so where is he? I often lay awake, wondering how he's doing and how he's handling all of this. Does he miss me? Does he love me still?

I may not know the answer to these questions at the moment but I hope to someday. When, I don't know. But I hope that after however long it takes I can get my boyfriend back. My love.

That's why friends should sleep in other beds. And friends shouldn't kiss me like you do. And I know that there's a limit to everything, but my friends won't love me like you. No my friends will never love me like you...

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Short little update for the day. Who knows maybe I'll update tomorrow too😏
                       Xx,
                         Madi