Speak up already - Phan

Chapter 21

When Dil was reunited with Kei, the hug that he tackled him into showed exactly how he felt. Kei was attacked onto the floor by the sudden force from the smaller boy causing him to wrap his arms around Dil to break the fall.

However the fall had no effect as the boy continued hugging him as tight as he could, soon feeling the warmth of tears wet his neck where his face was buried.

"I didn't know you'd miss me this much." Kei laughed, struggling to get up as the boy continued to cling onto him, now attached to his side hugging his waist.

"I have so much to catch you up on." Dil sighed. "But today, can we just...hug?"

"I don't think we can hug all day." Kei laughed, patting the younger one's head. "I'm hungry."

"I don't want to leave your side." Dil clung onto Kei's arm which went to scratch his head.

"You're being really...never mind ," he squeezed the boy in their side hug as they walked. "I missed you too."

**

Dil was sitting on the sofa, legs draped over Kei's cross-legged statue as they had their heads turned towards the TV in front of them.

"I think Jin has a boyfriend." Dil blurted out, reaching out for Kei's hand and fiddling with his fingers.

"You think?" Kei laughed as he intertwined their fingers, head turned towards the screen before them.

"Yeah." Dil began, pools of anxiousness swimming around in his gut. "His name's Ludus."

Kei nodded. "Cool name." He said nonchalantly.

Dil could feel his heart beating faster than words could leave his mouth and before he knew it he had lifted Kei's hand over his own chest as the erratic beating calmed down. This finally caught Kei's attention who turned his body fully towards the other one, placing his free left hand on Dil's arm.

"Are you okay? Do you feel ill? You're sweating a bit and your face is red, you're ill aren't you?" Kei said worriedly, bringing his boyfriend's head close to lean against his chest in hopes to calm him down. "What's wrong?"

Dil squeezed his eyes closed, just wanting to be this close to Kei scared of his reaction once he told him.

"I accidentally came onto Jin." Dil blurted out aa he felt the hand stroking his hair stop.

"What...What are you talking about?" Kei's voice replied calmly.

"I was drunk and I fucking...I think I just flirted with him or whatever...and I guess I was super intoxicated and I...I'm sorry..." Dil choked out, soon tasting the saltiness of his warm tears.

"It's okay." Kei replied softly, continuing to play with Dil's hair.

Dil pulled back to look into the older one's eyes. "No. It's not."

Kei smiled sadly. "What? The past is the past, no point dwelling over what has happened."

Dil bit his trembling lip. "You're supposed go be angry. Please be angry."

"You want me to be angry?" Kei asked, eyes widening in shock.

"I deserve something please...I fucking made Jin feel so uncomfortable I assaulted him for Christ's sake I need you to..."

"To what? To hurt you? Shout at you? I would never in a billion year lay a finger on you with an ill intent in mind let alone anybody given without reason. Especially someone I love as much as you. I forgive you, isn't that enough?" Kei asked, voice straining with tiredness and fatigue.

Dil nodded calmly. To Kei, he was expected to have calmed down, relaxed a bit more, made his fumbling mind set to ease. But instead, the gears in his mind were twisting and turning as his gut wrenched and scrunched up inside of him, forming a knot so deep he thought he was about to be sick.

Why did this feel so wrong?

Dil was supposed to be at ease now. Jin had forgive him, as did Kei.

But every time he thought back to that day where his vision was blurry and the sounds that were were induced, hearing the small whimpers of Jin's scared voice. The crack in his voice. Everything of that night reminded Dil of what he had done.

Jin didn't deserve any of this. Dil was starting to think that he himself was a monster.

A monster who somehow convinced the people he loved most to forgive an act to him should never be forgiven that easily.

Kei needed to be angry. Jin needed to be angry. It all felt so wrong. Kei and Jin were both so forgiving about this all. Why was everyone so calm?

xx