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Anaya
I was sitting in my therapy session avoiding all eye contact with my therapist, Julie. "Anaya we're just going to pick up where we left off last time, okay?" I nodded playing with my fingers. "So how are the girls?" I smiled thinking about my babies. "Claire follows Evie everywhere and Evie hates it. I think it's cute though." I said chuckling which caused Julie to join me. "How do you think they're taking it having you back?" "They like to stay close. Like if I get up to go pee they will follow me into the bathroom" "That's not uncommon for children to want to be with their mother after having been away from you for so long" I nodded understanding.
"What about this one?" she said pointing at my stomach. I looked down at it. "How do you feel about being pregnant with this child?" I scratched my head not knowing what to say. "Umm honestly I don't know." She nodded. "What do you mean?"
"There's a fifty-fifty chance on who could be the father. And considering that the last person to..." I said gesturing and she nodded. "I feel like it will end up being his." She started writing somethings down. "Who is the he?" I bit my lip growing increasingly uncomfortable. "Andreas." "Your ex-boyfriend." I nodded. "You think he's the father?" Once again I nodded not being able to speak. "Do you think that this child will end up like him?" I shrugged, but in the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility. "Think about it this way: How was your mother towards you?" I thought about it. "Honestly she was a bitch, but that's my mama so..." I said crossing my arms with a shrug. "Do you act like your mother towards your daughters?" i rapidly shook my head no. "I'm just worried that the baby will look like him and I won't be able to deal with it without seeing Andreas. Or it'll ask about it real dad and I won't be able to handle it."
"You want to know what I think?" I nodded. "I think you're an amazing mother and person. I honestly think no matter what the circumstances are you would be a good mom and you would love that child with all your heart. I also understand keeping this child could cause you to have some type of resentment towards it. If I felt that you would cause any harm towards this child I would tell you to not to have, but from the time I've spent with you I think you will treat this child just like your other two children." I teared up as she said that "How does Giovanni feel about the baby?"
"Giovanni." I said wiping my eyes. He says he would be there but I don't know if I truly believe that. I mean most men couldn't deal with looking at the child who was created because their girlfriend was raped. "He said he would support me either way, but sometimes I feel like he's just saying because he feels guilty." She looked up from what she was writing. "Why would he feel guilty? Do you blame him for what happened?" Deep down she knew she had her moments where she did, but she tried not to think about. "Umm sometimes." I said feeling guilty.
"Why would you think that?" "Because honestly before I met him my life was pretty okay. The most that happened to me was the occasional fight with my mother. Now I'm a parent to two children, who I don't regret at all, and I've been kidnapped, tortured and raped all before my 26th birthday." She nodded. "Have you told him this is how you're feeling." I shook my head. Anaya thought back to the one time she did tell him and he flipped out. Besides after last night and the fact that he was the one that found her, she couldn't do that to him. I looked down at my stomach placing my hands on it. "What are you thinking about now?"
"What my life would be like if I kept him. Would he look like me or his father? How would I answer his questions about his dad? What would I tell the girls? Sometimes I feel like keeping him and then at other times I feel like I shouldn't keep him. It's just too many what ifs and things that could go wrong if I make the wrong choice. The funny thing is when I think about keeping him I get this warm feeling inside." I looked down at my stomach rubbing it. "Him?" I looked up when she said that. "You said him." I shrugged. "I feel like it's a boy. I don't know it's just this weird feeling I've been having."
