A Love (harry styles)

part 49

My cheeks are wet, my eyes burn and my vision is blurry. the feeling is weird, it hurts. i haven't missed it at all, but my heart in some way felt a weight lift itself from me and i finally felt emotion. i know i felt many emotions in my life but this was different, it was liberating. i kept it in me and held it so tight like i was afraid to let go. i remember myself crying, but it wasn't an actual sob, it was like i was forced to do it so i would look human in people's eyes. it feels as weird as it sounds. i don't like it. on the other hand, who does?

my sobbing continues, i couldn't stop it. i want to disappear, the thought of hurting Harry is what's hard. i just don't want to lose him, he's been my only get away from life itself and i couldn't bare to think that he won't be in hand reach.  rivers falls from my eyes, sleeves soaking and my mouth trembles. my face is in my hands and whimpering voices leave my mouth. i manege to clear my vision a little as i look up, Harry's head is leaned back while tears leaking from his closed eyes as well.

"Harry?" i croak out. he's eyes shot open as he hears my sobbing voice. he turns to look at me and he's eyes widening, he sniffles.

"K..Katy? a...are you crying?" he stutters.

"I..." i shake my head, disconnecting the eye contact.

"don't ever cry!" a heartbreaking sob leaves his mouth as his large hands wrap themselves around my trembling body. i let my heart go and starts crying uncontrollably. "please Katy..." he's shaky voice whispers.

tear after tear leaves our eyes, wetting each other's clothes. i never in a million years thought that this is how i will end up on my move to London. our sobbing session calmed down after a good ten minutes, i felt like a new person, i don't know why. i was so cold to the world, at least i think i was. i've came to realization that everybody needs to cry once in a while. but if i get to choose, i would never do it again, it hurts too much. 

"i'm so... so sorry..." i whisper. Harry's grip tightens.

"it's ok... i'll be ok." he whispers back.

"i don't want to lose you," i sniff. "i don't know what to do, one time i think that your the most amazing person i've ever met and that i want to be with you till the day i die but on the other... i don't want to hurt you and i don't want you to hurt me. i..." i find it hard to explain.

"say no more," he stops me dramatically. he pulls away and looks into my eyes. "leave it like that, leave it like you want to leave with me to the day you die." his eyes fills up with hope and sadness. "i want to keep that single line." he says softly.

i nod slowly, whipping away a single tear who's escaped my eye.

"remember that... if you EVER come around, i'll be here. loving you." he looks into my eyes. he loves me that much? what can he possibly like? i know i don't deserve his care, or heart, and that's killing me. he turns around in his seat and turns on the car, after a few sniffing. the car ride is silent, consistent in me keep stealing glances over at him and sometimes make whimpering noises while i silently cry. Harry's eyes are fixed on the road and my heart pounds heavy, i wonder what he's thinking. i don't like the tension.

i want to love him, i really do. i know that somewhere i love him, i'm positive. what is it that is stopping me? maybe it's the thought that he's too perfect for a destroyed girl like me. he must've come from a perfect British family, got perfect grades and perfect manners. he doesn't drink, that's on it's own better than me. i'm not becoming wasted that's for sure, but i'm partied and did silly things that wasn't how a proper lady should act... at least not how Harry's lady should act.

Harry stopped the car next to the large building and i opened the car door. stepping out, i inhaled deep and closed my eyes. a car door was slammed shut behind me, signalling that Harry had got out of the car.