Make Me Yours (Lost Star)

Route 35

I woke up with someone caressing my hair. Pagmulat ko ng mga mata ko ay ang pagod na mukha ni Mommy ang agad na nakita ko.

Sa gulat ay mabilis ang ginawa kong pag-upo. Naglagay ako ng distansiya sa pagitan naming dalawa. This is awkward for me. I've been avoiding her for months now. Kung noo'y hindi kami ganoon kalapit sa isa't isa, lalo na ngayon.

Tahimik na nakatingin lang ako sa kanya.

"You skipped dinner, sweetie..." tipid niya akong nginitian. I looked at the wall clock inside my room.

It's already past 8pm. Hindi ko namalayang nakatulog pala ako. Huminga ako ng malalim. Hindi ko alam kung may dapat ba akong sabihin. Sinabi ko na handa na akong makinig pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na makaramdam ng galit. I feel like I was betrayed. That everything I know my whole life are all lies...

Kahit kailan ay hindi ko naintindihan si Mommy at ang mga bagay na gusto niya. Maybe because I never asked... Maybe because we lacked communication.... She was busy commanding me and I was busy obeying her. Hindi na ako nagtatanong pa. Basta kapag sinabi niya ay gagawin ko.

But now that I learned about her marriage to another man... There were some things that made sense pero dumami din ang naglalaro sa isipan ko.

Maybe she's strict because she's afraid we might know her secret. Kaya siguro siya ang umaasikaso ng lahat ng papeles na kailangan namin sa eskwelahan o sa kahit ano pa man ay takot siyang malaman namin ang katotohanan... That she bears another man's name. Hindi ang kay Daddy... Hindi ang kay Lolo...

"Your Dad said you want to talk to me..." Nilingon ko siya. Nag-aalangan ang ngiting iginagawad niya. I just nodded. Ang pagtatampo sa aking puso ay umaapaw. She sighed. "Anak..."

"I have no memory of us talking like... how a mother and a daughter should, Mom." Umpisa ko. We were never close that's why I don't know how to start a conversation with her. Hindi tulad kay Daddy. "You were so busy plotting how my life should be... that you forgot to be a mother to me... to us."

Pain crossed her eyes. Bumagsak ang kanyang mga balikat.

"We never bond. You only talk to me when you want me to do something. That's the reason why I always obey you no matter how unfair your rules are. Dahil sa ganoong paraan mo lang ako napapansin..." I bit my lower lip when I stammered. Pinipigilan ko ang pagpatak ng luha. Hindi ko alam na ganito na pala kalalim ang kinikimkim ko. "I yearned for a mother's love... I yearned for you, Mommy..."

I sniffed. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at ilang beses huminga ng malalim para hindi matuloy sa pagpatak ang aking mga luha.

"I'm so sorry, anak." She held my hand as she started crying. Lalo akong hindi makatingin sa kanya dahil doon. I feel guilty all of a sudden.

"All I ever wanted is to give you and your sister a good life. I did everything for the both of you. I want you to have a better future that I already forgot how to be a mother to you." Mabilis kong pinalis ang takas na luha. "Hindi ko ginustong ganito ang maramdaman mo, anak. Believe me, lahat ng ginawa ko ay para sayo at sa kapatid mo."

"And that includes keeping your marriage from us?" My voice is dripping with anger. I faced her. Nakayuko siya habang mahigpit pa rin ang hawak sa aking kamay. I'm trying my best to control my emotions right now. Ayokong may masabi ako na pagsisisihan ko sa huli.

She nodded slowly. Lalong bumilis ang pagtaas baba ng kanyang balikat dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak.

"We kept it from you because we want you and your sister to live a normal life, Dionne. Your life will never be the same if you knew about it... Masasaktan kayo..."