Copyright © 2017
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review that has given proper recognition to the author.
-
Her eyes, the ones that were always happy, look at me petrified. The same ones that calm me when I am upset, are now a dull flickering of life. I watch them slowly fade to an ice-cold brown. The last movement of life is a nod of the head, a goodbye to me. 'No, don't.' I beg as I begin to run. I reach my hand towards her as the room darkens, shadows engulf her body, and she is ripped into oblivion of darkness. 'No!' I scream as the world turns black and my knees dig into the ground beneath me.
"Bay! Baylor, wake up!" My eyes flicker open to the shaking of my body and a panicked voice. My brother sits in my bed, hair folded chaotically from sleep, hands still gripping each of my arms. His eyes are wide as they dart between mine. Those damn eyes, they're identical to hers. Sun gold circles glowing against the black of his pupil cascading into an enriching earthy brown and a deep mocha ring lining the edge of the iris. I can't look at him, he's a mirror of her reflection.
"I'm sorry I woke you. You can go back to sleep, I'm okay." I lie to Cameron as I turn my back and tug the covers to my chest. A few moments pass before he gets up and walks out of my room and shuts my door. I stare at the picture of my sister in the window seal the rest of the night, picking apart my dream until I have to get ready for my first day back at school.
The morning sun begins to rise behind the photo, light illuminates the picture making her appear almost transparent as if a halo has encircled her body. I get up and put it in one of the boxes in my closet.
This room is bare, cold, void of personality. The walls are painted the slate gray color I use to love, now it just incessantly reminds me of the malicious sky on July 27th.
The red comforter I overpaid for is now a bed of blood, drowning me every night I dream. The only tincture of who I was is in the boxes I've packed away, or in the ones that never had the chance to be unpacked. I can't wrap my head around this.
"Bay, are you up? I have to go to work." Cameron hollers outside my door. I stare at the dresser in front of me, it belonged to my grandmother. It's made of dark oak wood with sterling silver accent handles on all six drawers. I run my hand across the smooth surface hoping it will engulf me in a sense of warmth and love that I haven't felt in a while.
Instead, I'm consumed with a gut-wrenching, heart shredding, dark abyss of loneliness. There're no words to fathom how alone I feel. How hollow my entire body feels like there's nothing inside but a winter storm spiraling me into the same oblivion of darkness that I watch my sister being ripped to every night.
I grab the stupid snow globe off my dresser with four figurines inside, two girls, a boy, and a woman. I don't have to look at the bottom to remember what my grandma engraved on it, "To my grandkids, I love you to the moon and back." It was the last thing my grandma bought us before she died last year, I pick it up and shake it. The white stars float around the moon and fall to the family again. A numb tear falls down my cheek as I walk to my closet and pack it away. Nothing of mine deserves to be unpacked in this apartment.
"Bay?' Cameron knocks at my door. I grab a Nirvana shirt and a pair of jeans from my drawer. "I'm coming".
✽✽✽
"Oh my gosh! Bay? You're back!" Hannah yells from across the hallway, her pink heels clank like nails on a chalkboard with every step she takes towards me. My eyes widen when she wraps me in a hug, I can feel her forced sincerity oozing down my body.
"Sadly," I reply with a fake smile. I don't think I have any real smiles left to give. I hate school, I wish I could have just stayed gone.
"It's been two months, I've missed you!" She gushes as a guy walks by and hugs me again. I roll my eyes at her large barbie doll ones starting to tear up.
But wait!! She missed me soo much. That must be why she never called, text, or stopped by to see me.
My hands clench into fists at my sides and I have to take a few breaths to calm myself down. I don't hate Hannah; I just can't stand people throwing me pity parties when I've never talked to them unless they need something.
"I have to get to class Hannah, talk later?" I ask her with a hard smile. She bops her blonde ponytail up and down obliviously and walks away. I know we'll never talk again.
Once she's gone, I turn back around to the old blue lockers that smell like gym socks and sharpie. I grab the rest of my books and hope nobody else will bother me, I just want to be left alone. I close my locker door and make eye contact with my long-time crush, Asher Hill. He has the most mesmerizing eyes. Though they're different today. A sense of gloom dims his once sparkling blues. Like a storm hiding the sun, blocking you from any emotion he's hiding. Pulling you in but keeping you at a distance. He snarls his nose, rolls his eyes, and walks away.
His actions confuse me. What the hell did I do? He's never had a problem with me before. I mean, I wouldn't say we were friends, we just sent the occasional glances or two-word sentences, but it was always friendly. . . or flirty.
Well, until now.
I'm not going to think too much about it. I was just saying I hate the way people are acting. So, I should be glad he's not treating me like a fragile piece of glass. I do wonder what rumor about me has filled his head with disgust. I don't even want to imagine what kind of gossip is floating around here about my two-month disappearance.
I shake my thoughts away and head to my first-period class upstairs, Mr. Harrison. When I open the door, half the analyzing eyes devour me as I slither into an open seat at the back corner of the room. Some gazes stare longer than others, some people don't dare look at all.
I try to ignore the eyes all around me and put my headphones in. I click shuffle on my playlist and the song 'How To Save A Life' by The Fray starts playing. I rip my headphones out of my ear so fast it sends my phone flying to the floor. The people who weren't already staring are now. Sixteen hundred songs and my fucking phone decides to play the one that has the power to debilitate me.
My cheeks burn as I reach down and grab my phone off the floor. I catch a glimpse of my reflection on my screen and my stomach starts to spin. My brown hair is a tangled mess in a week-old bun on top of my head, my eyes have bags resting on top of bags on top of dark circles. I just noticed the Nirvana shirt I'm wearing has a hole in the collar of it.
I guess I don't have the energy to conform to society's standards of appearance anymore.
The tardy bell rings and I feel relieved when everyone takes their seats and I'm left alone in the corner. I begin scrolling through my playlist trying to find a song that won't send me into a hysterical mess.
An undeniable presence looms over me and I look up into the same stormy eyes from earlier. Asher stands over me menacingly, his cupid bow lips pulled into a tight line sporting a new lip ring that I know he didn't have before summer. His hair falls over his forehead in an unruly mess of blonde curls.
"What?" I spit and it not only takes him off guard but me as well. His eyes narrow in on me and I sink lower in my chair as he takes a step towards me.
