The Redemption of Severus Snape

Part 66

Severus slept soundly, but his mind was locked in a dream state. He recalled seeing Lily and watched as she turned away from him toward James Potter. He felt the pain in his heart at her second rejection; it was the worst pain he'd ever felt. Physical pain is transient; eventually the body becomes overwhelmed and shuts down. Emotional pain never stops hurting. His mind swirled with images, and he found himself running through the Battle of Hogwarts looking for Potter; stray spells whizzed past his ears. Flashes of light and terrible sounds erupted all around him. He had to stay in the shadows and hide from the students and faculty, and the other Death Eaters. It was a near impossible task. He promised Dumbledore he'd protect the children, and he was doing his best. If the students saw him, they'd try to kill him. If the Death Eaters saw Severus protecting the students or faulty, they'd try to kill him.

His last moments with the Dark Lord repeatedly replayed in his mind. Memories of the First Wizarding War mixed with memories of the second. A crying sound in the distance roused him. The last thing he saw in his mind's eye were a pair of bespectacled hazel eyes staring blankly up at him as he stepped over the dead body of James Potter.

Severus hadn't felt Lin come to bed, nor did he feel her warm lithe body lying against him in the night, but he did feel her turn over and rise, rushing to soothe a crying baby. Sunrise was imminent and the sky was turning to a fiery red and yellow as the sun fought for domination over the moon's darkened sky. Severus donned his slippers and green cotton dressing gown and hobbled down the back stairs to his study. All of the houseguests were war veterans like himself. If any of them had dreams like his, they were likely wandering the house in search of peace that they'll never find. Severus didn't want to bump into anyone. He wanted to be alone.

He slowly made his way along the cellar corridor. The pictures he'd hung a lifetime ago were still in their places. His study was unchanged, but kept clean. He reached into his desk drawer for the potion formula that he and Lin had never finished. He plopped into his desk chair and began reviewing his notes, but his mind kept drifting. He hadn't expected to survive the wat, and now if was over. The Dark Lord was dead and Potter was alive. Severus' purpose for living was gone. What was he to do with himself? He'd rather gouge his own eyes out than go back to teaching, if that would even be an option. And now he had a son, and a woman who thought far too much of him.

Severus was in no way prepared to be a parent. He wasn't prepared for a life-long commitment. He'd taken his relationship with Lin too far; he did it out of a blending of fear and lust. He hadn't expected to live long enough to deal with the consequences of his selfishness. He assumed that once the war was over and she was free, she'd find someone else. It would be easy for a beautiful young woman like Lin to find a good man, a good husband. But Severus was ill and frail, and Lin felt an obligation to care for him. It would be better for her if she just let him go. A light knock on the study door drew his attention.

"Enter."

"Feeling any better this morning?" said Lin as she entered with a tray laden with Severus' breakfast. Severus didn't answer her, but that didn't dampen her spirits. "There's another one of Molly's digestive potions. Make sure you drink it." Lin lifted a small vial filled with a silvery substance from the tray. Severus knew what it was and part of him didn't want it back. "Harry said these are yours."

"Did you look at them?"

"Of course not, I never go through your things."

"I want you to see them." Severus stood without his crutches and flicked his wand at a cupboard next to his desk. The cupboard doors opened and a pensieve floated out and settled on the desk. He swished his wand at it and the pensieve doubled in size. He poured the vial in and set his wand against his temple to draw out more memories to place in the pensieve. He joined Lindsay in viewing his memories.