~BASKETBALLS~ (Joshler) {COMPLETED}

42. Confused Feelings

A/n: I feel like this chapter is boring idk...

I also spent the whole of yesterday rewatching every single Stranger Things episode. I'm currently obsessed, LIKE OH MY GOD ITS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

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Tyler's Pov:

That night I only got about 2 hours of sleep, I spent the majority of the night pondering on what I had told Josh. I felt guilty, really guilty. My feelings were eating me alive and it had me still awake, silently sobbing to myself, while everyone else was sound asleep.

Tears rolled my cheek as the memory replayed in my head over and over again. I couldn't close my eyes without crying, all I saw was the hurt look on Josh's face. It burned through my brain and haunted me throughout the long hours of the night.

The thing is, part of me thinks I am gay. The other half completely denies all feelings to a boy. It shuts me down whenever I realise I may feel something for Josh and I hate it.

The awkwardness in our room was killing me too. None of us said a single word as we all went to bed in the early hours of Saturday morning. It was around 1am when Josh and Ryan decided to come back and go to sleep. When Josh had walked through the door, my head had immediately shot up. His cheeks were tear stained and so were Ryan's.

I had honestly no idea on how I actually felt about Josh, I was confused and I hated it.

My head rest on my pillow as I stared up blankly at the ceiling. A faint moonlight shone through the window making the whole situation seem a lot more depressing.

"Why am I so fucking stupid?" I muttered to myself wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

I sighed shifting my body onto my side. My eyes wondered over to the sleeping figure sprawled across his bed. Josh looked so peaceful when asleep.

I smiled admiring his features, the way his fading red hair fell over his face which was smushed agaisnt the his pillow. He took steady breaths with his mouth hanging open slightly. Everything about him just seemed so perfect.

But the problem was that I wasn't meant to be thinking this way about a boy. And that was what was tearing me apart into tiny little shreads and leaving me as a sobbing mess in the middle of the night.

I am meant to love Jenna and admire every single thing about her. I am meant to love the way she speaks and laughs, or the touch of her soft skin which I can't help but wish it was Josh's.

I'm meant to love girls like Jenna and hate boys like Josh.

I knew my friends wouldn't care if I was gay, but my parents definitely would. They are extremely strict and always have been. God knows what would have happened if my father had found out about that detention I got a while ago.

I'm a popular straight A sudent who's the captain of the basketball team and has a beautiful girlfriend. Except.... I'm loosing so many friends, my grades are going down, I think coach wants to make Chance the captain and I might be gay...

Everything seemed to be falling apart for me leaving my helpless mind in an angry-sad-confused mess.

Hours passed on by of me over thinking the situation and soon reds and pinks began to fill the sky. Now the night was coming to an end, the sun would rise and hopefully things would be better.

But I knew they wouldn't. Everything between me and Josh would be the same as yesterday.

Our alarm rang at 6 o'clock sharp waking each person up. I groaned burying my face deep in my pillow. Only having a couple hours of sleep did definitely not regenerate my energy and will to do things today. Instead I felt completely drained of all emotions and control over my body.