DEH Oneshots/drabbles/shitposts

Sorry (Treebros )

TW-Suicide n all that good stuff. We need more depresso!Evan.

Alt title: 4:32PM

—

Connor frantically scrambled around the neighborhood, Jared by his side as his heart thumped louder and louder. He hissed in pain, his lungs as his legs nearly gave weigh from under him. His heart getting louder, feeling like it was going to burst from his chest. Damn it, Connor. How could you be this stupid? He thought. He had ignored Evan for his own selfish reasons, his own, godforsaken, opinionated, self-loathing reasons. He hadn't spoken to Evan in a month. What a great boyfriend, right? What a fantastic endeavor it all was, ignoring his love because he couldn't ignore himself. "Oh my god, Jared. This is my fault."

"Nothing's happened, Connor. You need to calm down." Jared pleaded. "Please, man, just think."

Connor frantically shook his head, the tears spilling all over the tar slathered pavement beneath his feet. The world was spinning underneath him. The trees seemed to cave in on him, and every light in every home on the seemingly calm suburban street looked to be too bright, as if an angel was bursting out of every window and heading to Connor, taking him to a place where he didn't want to go. "No, Jared. I can't!" He cried, attempting to find the safety of his favorite childhood hideout: The Orchard. "Thinking makes it worse."

Jared grabbed his hood, spinning him around so fast that, for that split second, all of the world seemed to stop in it's tracks. Jared stared straight into the boy's eyes. They were mere inches from each other. "You're going to have to think, or it's just going to get worse," he pleaded, his hand shaking.

The reason that the two were in such a predicament was quite obvious to Connor. It was simple, really. He let his own self loathing and doubt get in the way of his relationship with Evan.

The thing was, Evan hadn't been to school that day, and he would never jeopardize his seven year perfect attendance. Connor at least knew that much. Evan was in danger, and it was Connor's fault.

—

Connor sat with his back against the wall, his eyes draining of nearly all of the liquid in his tear ducts. He hadn't answered any of Evan's calls. He hadn't even looked at his phone that day. His hands shook with his torso, leaving trembling, tingling sensations all over his body.

"Con," Evan spoke quietly. "Connor Murphy, talk to me."

"Why should I, Ev?" He turned his back closer to the wall, trying to make sense of that he was doing.

"Because I want... I want to help you, babe."

You know those cliche moments in stories where the main character, who is so in love with the interest, says the opposite of what they mean? Exactly.

Connor looked up at Evan, staring directly into his eyes. He tried to stop the words from coming out of his mouth, but his lips moved faster than his brain, and he only said two words. "Do you?"

Evan's entire physique changed. He slouched, a little lower, his eyes seemed to droop, and worst of all: "You... You don't, you don't mean that... Connor."

Evan stuttered.

Evan Hansen never stutters around Connor Murphy.

"Leave me alone, Evan."

And Evan did.

Murphy, you fucked up real good, this time.

—

Connor hadn't seen Evan since then.

And he was certain it was because he tore Evan to pieces.

He was correct.

Evan Hansen had a pattern when it came to dating. He always found the most vulnerable the most attractive. That made Connor a downright angel to him. Evan had crushed on him for a good portion of his life. He never understood how everyone could look at Connor with such disappointment and hatred, when all Evan could see was a world of passion and beauty just waiting to be unlocked. Evan quickly put Connor on a pedestal, each day the height growing, and when he finally told Connor how he felt, and Connor accepted, Evan hopped on top, with him. They climbed so high, that they could touch the clouds. Too high to get down.

But that night, Connor jumped down, leaving Evan no choice but to jump down with him.

Evan didn't go to school for the next few days. He didn't know how much he could fail someone until he failed Connor. Looking back, he realized how many people he'd failed. If he hadn't failed his dad, he'd still be there. If he hadn't failed Jared, his best friend wouldn't be such a dick. If he hadn't failed his mother, she wouldn't feel like she had to find him help.

Fuck, that's just it.

Evan needed help.

But he knew for a fact, no one would help him. Not after all he'd done.

And that's when it hit him.

What is life worth if you go through it alone?

No, seriously, think about it. There would be no one to talk to about your day. There would be no one but you to sing to. There would be no one to help you at all in any way. You would have no friends; no family, just you, and you alone.

It was just Evan, and Evan alone.

How the hell was that fair?

Evan began to feel invisible enough to the point where he felt like if he just left, they'd all be fine.

So he texted Connor, apologizing for not being able to help him.

—

Connor searched the trees, frantically glancing for any sign of Evan, when his phone buzzed.

E: Connor Murphy, I will never stop loving you, and I really do want you to know I'm sorry, babe. I need you to be okay. Do it for me.

-Ev.

Sent at 3:56 PM

Evan.

Holy fuck, Evan, no.

Connor recognized the tone of the text, and he realized how deep he really was. He knew what he had done to his boyfriend. He knew that he had messed up, but not this bad.

Evan Hansen was going to kill himself.

And Connor was completely in the other side of town.

Connor gasped, breaking into a sprint when he grabbed Jared and sped back to the entrance of the old, abandoned orchard. He felt his breath hitch with pain and longing, trying his best to keep his cool as he stumbled along the sidewalk. It's all your fault, it's all your fault, it's all your fault. Fuck!

—

Evan Hansen had in his hand a bottle of his anxiety medication.

The thing was, he didn't know if he wanted to take his regular dosage, or swallow the entire contents in one go.

Evan was mid anxiety attack, hands shaking, eyes tired, arms heavy. He couldn't breathe. The only thing that seemed to be in his universe at the moment was the tiny, tiny capsules in his hands. He kept trying to talk himself down, but his curiosity got the best of him. What would it feel like? You should try it, Evan.

Okay.

Evan wasn't thinking when he poured the entire bottle's contents into his mouth, swallowing them in one big gulp.

Fuck, Evan, no.

Evan shook his head, smiling sleepily as he trudged back to his bed, silently crawling under the covers. He fell asleep, there, but he never did wake up.

Not for Connor, not for his mom, not for Jared.

Evan Hansen never woke up from the nap he took on April 27, 2018 at 4:32 PM.