DEH Oneshots/drabbles/shitposts

Happiness

Sorry for the angst.

—

"What on earth would make you think that I actually care about you? After all you've done?"

Zoe's words replayed in Evan's head over and over, making him collapse against his bedroom door. He breathed out, letting out a choked sob. His heart raced, seeming to pump through his chest, almost ripping through the skin and tumbling to the floor. He clutched his chest, his eyes shining with wet, hot, fresh tears that fell too quickly for him to get a grip on what he was feeling. The room spun around him, and he swore he saw Zoe sitting across from him on his windowsill.

"I'm sorry."

"I loved you, Evan, and you just sat there and watched."

"I didn't mean to... I was just..." Evan dug his nails into his scalp, staring at the floor. He felt his chest press against his chin, and he cried out, one hand flying to his heart again. Another choked sob escaped his barely parted lips, his entire body beginning to tremble.

"You just what, Evan?"

Evan grimaced at her tone.

"What? What was more important than me, Evan? What was so important that you had to ignore me?"

"I wasn't ignoring you!" Evan shoved his head in between his knees, coughing slightly as he tried to catch his breath. The queasiness in his stomach grew into a full blown sick feeling. Evan's hands began to shake. The objects around him began to blur and mesh together into blobs. The tears seemed to fall like water from faucets that had been left on to prevent freezing pipes. They were destined to keep going until someone turned them off.

But the only one who could, he was talking to.

"Then what the hell were you doing?"

Evan whimpered. "It was your idea to go out."

"And it was my idea to leave, but you wouldn't let me. You stayed! You forced me to stay! Look at where it got us!"

"Zoe, if I had known... if I had known what was going to happen," he took a sharp breath, trying to regain his senses. "I never would have made you stay." He met her eyes, her sunken sockets and bony cheeks made him physically sick, but this was all he had left. It was all he could have.

"Why?"

"Why what?" He sniffed, not breaking their gaze. He was  afraid that if he did, it would be gone forever.

"Why did you make me stay?"

Evan's heart shattered. His hands began to shake as he recalled the night. Everything was so perfect. Zoe looked perfect. He felt perfect. Nothing could change the way he felt about her. "I didn't... I didn't know what was going to happen!" He pulled his knees against his chest, his eyelids beginning to a hug from holding back so many tears. "Zoe, I promise!"

"You should have fucking listened to me."

Evan shook his head quickly, trying to keep his eyes from meeting hers, but every time he looked up, there she was, and it terrified him. "I couldn't... I couldn't have left."

"Why the hell not, Evan?"

"Because I was going to ask you to marry me!"

The words came out too quickly for him to cover up with his terrified, bony fingers. More tears clouded his vision. "Yeah, I said it."

For once, she let him speak.

"I fell in love with you, Zoe, and if we had gone, I wouldn't get to... I was waiting for the right time, Zoe. I didn't know... I didn't know any of that was going to happen. I didn't know they'd break in... I didn't know they'd hurt people." Evan gasped for air, burying his head in his knees. "I sure as hell didn't know they'd come after you, Zoe." His back was arched in a near permanent slouch. It didn't look as if he was ever going to move. "I'm lost without you. You took me from this dark place that I never thought I would be able to leave... and you showed me what live was, and you made me happy."

"But now you're gone and it's my fault."

He heard nothing after that. He saw nothing after that. The only thing that made a sound was the creaking of the ceiling fan above him, and his quiet sobs that seemed to echo back to him and taunt his every move. "Zoe?"

Nothing.

"Zoe?" He tried again.

She's gone. You're all alone, now.

Evan, in a fit of rage, tore off his blanket, throwing it to the floor. He trudged to the desk, slamming open the drawer. The wood cracked from the pressure, and the contents fell to the floor, spilling over the carpet. "Fuck," Evan cursed, his eyes gleaming in pain at a small splinter in his hand. He picked up a pencil and an index card, dragging his feet as he walked back to the bed.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I'm too much of a chicken to kill myself.

I used to be, Anyway.

He set the pencil down, crying out as another wave of guilt came over him.

To whom it make concern;

I must be the stupidest man on earth to feel like this because of a girl, right? It's not just her. It's the fact that I just...

He erased it, trying to find a better way to word it.

I was so useless to her. I sat there. I sat there and watched her die. I didn't help her. Did I ever help her?

I'll never understand why she stayed with me. Maybe she was afraid that this would happen. Maybe she was afraid I'd turn back into the old, anxious, depressed, terrified Evan that she first met.

I guess you could say this is because of Zoe.

It's not.

It's about my stupid decision to freeze while she died right in front of me.

Evan crumbled it up and threw it across the room, turning to the door.

—
Breaking News: Twenty Six Year Old Man Jumps To His Death From The Top of The Brooklyn Bridge.

Evan, to make a grand escape, was the man that the article focused on. He wasted what little money he had to fly to New York, see a couple tourist destinations, and try to find happiness.

Happiness wasn't in existence without her.

Happiness didn't exist if he wasn't with her.

She was his happiness, and he made a desperate attempt to find it again.

He never found it again, and it was his fault.