DEH Oneshots/drabbles/shitposts

Stupidity (Treebros) (part deux)

Upon awakening, Evan had one thought on his mind.

Connor knows.

Connor Murphy had found out everything, from the eating disorder, to how bad he had actually let it get. Connor knew how miserable Evan was, he knew how the other kids picked on him, calling him names, angrily shouting at him to kill himself. Connor knew about the bullying, and the goldfish, and the way Evan would lie out his teeth to make sure Connor was at ease about his rapid weight loss. Connor knew that Evan was hurting, and that he couldn't do anything about it. Connor fucking knew.

And the only thing Evan knew was that Connor most likely hated him.

He didn't know that Connor was asleep next to the painfully skinny boy's hospital bed, taking a long nap after Heidi Hansen had come in, sadly, with a colleague of hers, explaining to him that Evan had had a hypoglycemic episode. His blood glucose had dropped too low, and Evan had passed out due to lack of sugar-induced energy.

The thing that hurt the most was the fact that both he and Heidi were totally oblivious anorexic tendencies. Neither had really batted an eye until Evan had gotten really bad, and they both felt immense guilt for getting him to that point without at least trying to help him.

But when Evan finally opened his eyes, his mother was not there, and Connor was still sound asleep on the couch. His eyes were shut with a permanent pained expression on his face as he lightly snores. Evan shook his head, frantically, beginning to panic, again.

The room was a plain white with a small window on the side, the view pointing to a patch of forest further than Evan could see. The windowsill was tinted with beige paint. The curtains were a soft Bally blue. Everything else was painfully normal.

Normal.

If there was one thing Evan was not, it was normal. He was sick, he was messed up in the head, he was ugly, he was hated, he was disgusting, he was anxious, he was terrified, he was shaking, but Evan Hansen was in no way, shape, or form, normal.

To anyone on the outside, Evan was a misunderstood kid, crying out for attention. In a way, he was, right?

But Evan didn't want attention. He didn't want love, or affection, or apologies, or pity. Evan just wanted to whither away until he disappeared. He wanted to run and hide away from the cruel world. Evan wanted nothing more in that moment than to just fall of the face of the earth, to stop breathing, to stop living, just because it would be so much easier if he did.

He wouldn't have to live with the guilt of putting his mother through this; of putting Connor through this. He wouldn't have to live with the fact that his mother already works her ass off every single day to provide for him (no matter how much food he leaves in the freezer at night,) and now she'll have to deal with stupid hospital bills (which Heidi hates giving to people Psa). Evan hated the fact that with every breath he was costing her more and more. He hated everything.

"Fuck," was the first choked word that escapees the chapped lips of Evan's lips. He looked around, again, the panic setting in his chest as he tried to do his deep breathing. He followed the rule, in four, hold six, out eight. Nothing. "Fuck," he repeated, this time louder, as if he was crying out for help.

Connor heard him, of course. The sleeping boy awoke with a jolt, glancing at his emaciated boyfriend, his mouth dry. "Hey," he said, softly, sliding over to Evan's side. He leaned over the bed, tilting his head. He watched Evan's chest rise and fall is nervousness and he sighed. "Babe, breathe for me."

"I'm trying." Evan looked at Connor, drawing his lip between his teeth for the fourth time since he'd awoken. He stared at Connor, a glint if anger in his eyes, but it was soon replaced by fear, again as the machines behind him began to beep quicker.

Neither of them wanted a doctor in there at that moment.

Connor took Evan's hand. "Breathe with me, okay?" Connor did the same pattern, hoping Evan would mimic how he had done it. In through the nose, out through the mouth. He took it slower than Evan's attempt, squeezing him when he sensed another panicked sob would come from the boy's mouth. "You're okay," he tried, smiling with a small crooked smile. His eyes were glossed over with tears, but they seemed to be left over from a long time ago. "You're doing great, Ev."

"Don't bullshit me, Connor." Evan looked up, his exhale being that angry phrase. His eyes ran across Connor's surprised expression. "I'm sorry... I just... No I'm not."

Connor frowned, squeezing Evan's hand, lightly. "You know," Connor started, choosing his words as he went. "I don't care." He looked at Evan's tears eyes, his cheeks heating up in a soft blush as silence overtook the room. He smiled, slightly. "I don't care that you lied to me. I don't care that you made mistakes, or that you hate yourself, or that it's so obvious that you'd rather be dead than in this situation. I don't care that you're sick, or you're tired of me, or that you're so done. I don't care that you can't stand being here, or that you don't care, either. You know what I do care about, Evan?"

Evan tilted his head, shaking his head as he stared into Connor's eyes, his bony fingers shaking against Connor's hand. He coughed. "No."

"I care about you, Evan. All I care about is the fact that you are alive, and talking to me, and not someone that I lost due to my own oblivion." He paused, thinking out his next sentence carefully. "I saw it coming, too, and I didn't stop you." Connor sniffled, lightly. "I should have helped you. I should have seen it. How could I be so blind?"

"Because I tried to hide it," Evan cut him off. He looked out the window, again, a small tear falling down his cheek. His eyes avoided Connor's soft gaze. "And I made you feel this."

"Evan," Connor started. "Stop it," he squeezed his hand. "I only want to help you."

"Then why am I here?" Evan looked at him, angrily. "I don't want help."

"But you need it." Connor stood up, letting go of Evan's hand. "Please, Evan, don't start this, again." His eyes glinted in nervousness, his fingers shaking as he tried to capture Evan's attention. "I... Evan I can't—"

"You can't What?" Evan finally looked at Connor, anger and confusion apparent in his stance. "What? You can't stand me? You can't be with me anymore because I fucked up so bad that it would physically pain you to even be seen in public with me?"

Connor paused, letting tears finally flow out of his eyes, quickly, thoroughly covering his cheeks. "I can't lose you, Evan."

"What?" Evan's eyes shot up, his shoulders relaxing for a moment.

"Do you know how much I've lost since I moved here, Evan?" Connor looked at him, taking a sharp intake of air. He shook his head. "I lost so many friends. I lost my fucking happiness. I lost myself." He turned around. "You brought all of it back, Evan. If I lose you..." he trailed off. "I can't do that again, Evan."

Evan stared at him, speechless. He shook his head, bringing his hand to his chest, clutching it above his heart as he struggled for a word. He began to panic, again. "Connor, I—"

"I already said, I don't care, Evan." Connor looked up at the boy, taking his hand. "I don't need an apology. I don't need closure. I just need you."

Evan pulled Connor closer to him, pulling him into a soft, fight embrace. "Thank you," He whispered.

Connor snickered, pressing his lips to Evan's head. "Don't thank me. I love you."

Evan actually smiled. He smiled a genuine smile, his hands tightening around Connor's waist. He pressed his ear to Connor's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I love you, too."

—a/n—

I highkey hate this chapter.

You can tell I have writers block

The song in the thumbnail works with this.

Cj has a girlfriend that keeps trying to shit on my dreams and I can say this because I know he won't read my DEH book.

Anyway I'm listening to music and he's talking to her and he just pointed at me stay tuned for my funeral.

That's all

I love you my Carcrashovercastyoungbloods

-Emily aka Foblvr