Remission [H.S. MATURE AU]

25.

SCARLETT

The rest of the dinner had been a torture. My mind just couldn't focus anymore, on anything else. I've fought for four years with the fact that I'll never be able to have children, that I just can't and even if I like to convince myself that I'm fine now, I'm still fighting every day. When I remember it, it gets worse. I start living it all over again, I start feeling it all over again.

There's an aching pain at the center of my womb, it feels like a burning blade pushing and digging deep into it and it keeps me from breathing. That's how I felt when he died and that's how I feel every time I think about it. I can still feel it every single time. The doctor told me that it's all in my mind, that it's not real, that it's psychosomatic, as if it could solve anything. It's there for me and it's worse than every other physical pain I've ever felt.

"Can you explain to me what the fuck was that?" For as much as I had tried to ignore Luc for the rest of the dinner, I can't ignore his screams as soon as we're confined in the loneliness of our hotel room. "Every fucking time I leave you alone for a minute you always disappear with him." He's been in an even worse mood since he's found me almost in tears on the terrace with Harry and I knew that eventually ,I'd ask questions.

"It's none of your business, Luc." I take off my shoes, letting them fall to the floor without much care. The next thing I do is trying to take off my earrings, but he grabs me by my forearm before I can reach the second one.

"It is my business because you're my girlfriend." He hisses at me under his breath. I snort, looking away from him and remaining in silence, not having any intention to give him any explanation. "Is there something or there was something between you two?" I sigh in frustration at his question, knowing that this time I can't escape anymore, I have to give him an answer.

"A long time ago... it doesn't matter anymore." I lower my stare and he finally lets go of my arm, so I take off my other earring. He passes his hands through his hair in frustration and then takes off his tie, practically ripping it away from his neck, almost like it was holding him back from breathing.

"I can't wait to be out of this fucking country..." He throws the tie on the bed. Trust me, I can't wait for you to be out of this country either. "What were you talking about? Why were you almost crying?" He asks, going back on the subject, after a few minutes. I sigh, not really wanting to answer that.

"Nothing that you would care about, stop insisting." Once I've found my pajamas, I take off my dress and I quickly wear it. I just desperately need to sleep right now, more than anything. I try to go to the bathroom, because I need to take off my makeup and because I want to end this conversation, but he stops my way.

"Try me." He insists.

"No." I punctuate my denial quite clearly. He inhales deeply, almost trying to calm himself down. I can tell that he's mad, and when he grabs my forearm and tightens his hold on it, I understand that I'm obviously right.

"Tell me, Scarlett." He repeats again, giving me a threatening look. I'm not scared, after everything I've gone through I don't get scared so easily, but I want to give him what he wants. If he wants to know I might as well tell him.

"I was pregnant with his baby, a long time ago. That's what we were talking about." I immediately see his eyes filling up with a mix of jealousy and disgust. I knew I would've hurt him by telling him that. He's always considered me an object to own and it drives him mad the fact I've never been really his, that somebody else has owned me before like he's never been able to, and still owns me now. Every inch of my body, my soul, and my heart still belongs to him, after all this time. Now, more than ever before. He can read it in my eyes, he knows that I've never looked at him the way I look at Harry.