LOVERS | sean lew

xliv.

The scratching of the fork on the bottom of the mac and cheese plate was the only sound between the two girls. Silence grew between them when the food interrupted them, and neither of them knew what to say to start up the conversation again ever since. No matter how good the milkshakes actually were, they were way too distracted to even appreciate it.

"Do you think that if you took a break, it'll make you feel better?" Kaycee quietly muttered, her eyes still glued to her plate. "Like, actually taking a break from all these.. changes in your life. Do you think it'll help you heal a lot more if you paused, and breathed?"

Sapphire knew she had a lot to work on — with herself, her values, her foundation as a person. Looking back at it now, she could never recall a single moment where she fully believed in herself and fully loved who she was. She loved dance and she loved what she was doing, but she forgot to give that same energy to herself — she never truly said that she loved who she was.

In her mind, it was too late to restart over again. She had a lot of things going on now. She had to be professional; she had to be mature and responsible and serious, and there was no time to mull over her own problems anymore no matter how much it made everyday harder for her.

"That's impossible." was all she could say.

"It's not," Kaycee argued back. "I don't know. Take a break, travel Europe to find yourself like what they all do, and come back when you think you're finally okay?"

Sapphire can't help but laugh, even though the idea stuck to her for a little bit. "And that's even more impossible. The management would kill me, and my manager would kill me if I bailed on all these schedules I have for the future days."

She truly appreciated how Kaycee was helping. She felt relieved of a sliver of heaviness she was feeling, and she felt grateful to have this girl by her side.

"Kayc, I keep on saying this over and over again but I'm so thankful to have you in my life. And I seriously wouldn't know what to do without you." Sapphire was genuine, and her lips molded into a smile that was actually real. "I don't want you to burden with my problems knowing that you have your own ones to deal with, you know. I can handle myself."

"Yeah, handling it by keeping it all in to yourself until you couldn't handle it anymore?" Kaycee scoffed, the first ever frustration being seen from her. "Bottles break when they get too filled up. Humans do, too."

Sapphire didn't respond, only looking out the glass windows as she bit her lip. She didn't want to talk about this anymore; she wanted to change the topic, and forget every dramatic spiel she said, and reassure Kaycee that she was doing fine. She knew she wasn't — not even close, not even a little — but she had to pretend she was for the sake of her career and for herself. Fake it 'til you make it, until you get to the finish line even if you break bones and shed tears.

And Kaycee must've realized the strained tiredness, as she sighed and looked at Sapphire directly in her eyes. "Look, I need you to promise me one thing, Saph."

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll try to have time for yourself, and to learn how to love yourself even in just small steps." Kaycee meant it with the way she had on a determined look on her face. "Believe in who you are, embrace who you are — I don't know. Just, just please.. take care. You'll only lose.. you if you don't try to recognize who you are."

Sapphire's mind immediately went back to everything that has happened. The fake news, the rumours that made her feel restricted, the paparazzis that made her hate every living day, the sudden spotlight that forced her to be perfect in every move, the hate that she slowly believed, and the changes that all overwhelmed and trampled her. This was supposed to be her life now, and it didn't have any time for herself anymore — for her to be just.. her and nothing else. And the only way for it to go back to the very start, where she could learn everything she had to learn before she reached this low point in her mental state, was to drop everything and start a new life.