Six of Crows One-shots

His Armor

Kaz's bare hands were covered with Inej's blood from where he tried to keep it from spilling out, his room was too small and he was constantly trying to find somewhere he could place himself between the upset Jesper, Wylan, and Nina or the frantic healer who kept asking politely as she could that he not watch over her shoulder, and avoiding looking at his hands.

"What were you thinking! That job was insane, she is not just an investment you can throw around!"
"She was free Kaz, free to do as she pleased, free to leave this, why'd you do it? Why is it always just one more mission. This might be her last."
"She would have been safer had she stayed in her room with us!"
Kaz was trying to block them out, trying to keep his wary, cracked shields up, trying to hold everything in place. It was too much pressure, just too much.

"Do you just want to watch everyone else lose what they love most?"

Kaz's fists gripped the air as he tried to find somewhere to leave, some escape room, as pressure was building behind his eyes, as long forgotten feeling surged inside him with renewed viciousness. His chest was too tight, he couldn't breathe. He was on the verge of a panic attack.
"She's gonna die... and it'll all be your fault. You did nothing! You could have saved her and you did nothing!"
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!" Kaz interjected with a broken roar, shame was rising up along his skin, loosening his grip, breaking his walls, eating him whole.
"Do you think I don't care?! I can't even breathe right now! Do you think this is the first person I've lost?" His chest clenched down, he wheezed out the word. He was shaking, he felt tired, weak.

His voice quavered at the end but he couldn't stop it now, he was breaking, crumbling an avalanche was coming out.
"Every single time I open up...My family... everything I love was slowly ripped from me. You think that's easy? You think I wanted this? Do you have any idea what it's like? I have to tear myself out in order to survive another day. Every time I had to change myself to keep going, to not fall apart. I lost my parents, I lost my brother, I lost any opportunity of safety, the ability to comfort or to even touch! I've had to replace pieces of my personality, my life, my heart with something cold and hard and distant, just to escape the pain of it all."
Kaz took a shallow breath, a sadistic chuckle coming out like a released breath that fell out of him.

"And look where it got me. Years of pretending to not feel, not hear, not see... not to be affected by it any of it.... and I've ended up screwing everything up, making my life and those around me even worse. I'm the most hated person in The Saints-forsaken city, and I've still managed to lose... everything. To lose her... I can't keep doing this. I shouldn't have let any of you in..."

Tears were burning down his face, he couldn't even bring himself to care. He had just ripped his armor out from under his skin, it lay before him in bloody cutting pieces, and his open chest was exposed, the gaping wounds burned into him, the painful shredded muscles and the long scratches along his heart, bleeding profusely from the words he just said, and the memories. From the replacement parts brutally torn away from the bruises and wounds. He was crying, and he couldn't see, his knees hit the floor and his voice was shaking.
"I'm done... I- I'm sick of it all. I just want to go home... It's just not worth fighting for anymore." he sobbed, his entire body shaking and his form crippled into himself.
"I can't keep going..." he whispered, his breathing had fallen to pieces, his shaking had continued.

There was nothing to be said. Nothing to do as Kaz, the Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands broke down and cried on the floor of his room. Broken, and falling away into an abyss. The healer had left as quick as she could now that Inej had been seen to.

Minutes passed into what felt like eternity before Wylan stumbled forward, crouched down and surrounded Kaz in a hug. "Try to breathe..." he whispered, and Kaz strangled in a shaky breath. Hot tears fell from his burnt eyes, and Wylan could see the pain Kaz was drowning in. Another pause, Jesper followed suit and clung to Kaz, who he was beginning to understand... who had unraveled himself in front of them and probably couldn't find his pieces right now. So Jesper used his long limbs to hold Kaz together, to keep him from falling away from them and never coming back. Nina was the last to follow suit, and she was crying too.

"I'm sorry, Kaz. I'm sorry."

Nobody said anything for a very long time. Kaz slipped from their embrace into unconsciousness and his breathing eased. In the end, Kaz had been moved to a couch where he slept heavily. Nina, Jesper, and Wylan took watches over their two broken crows.

Hey guys!
So... I was going through my sad playlist and uh... it was horrible and I ended up crying for like three hours but hey! I updated? Anyway, I thought it might be neat to use the imagery of Kaz's armor as well... if your reading this then you know. Anyways, super sorry if that made you cry, cuz I feel you.

Anyway, have a good night/day and rest up
-sincerely, Night Shadowed Cat 🐾