wedding buddies ↠ harry styles ✓

NINETY FIVE

Carrington Hill

I was alone for the most part. I wanted to be alone. But I also hated it. I hated it because it left me with my own thoughts and considering the damn battle that went on in my head, I wondered how I even made it out alive.

Getting over a miscarriage and trying to work out my relationship, seemed harder than anything I have ever had to do. I thought getting over bullies at school would be the end of me but perhaps this current situation will drive me crazy.

No one knew. Anything. Only Mia, Aiden, Harry and me. We were the only ones aware of what had happened. Or at least, that's what I thought. I had no idea if the other three told anyone anything. I sure as hell was not in a rush to shout it from the rooftops. I stayed in bed for the most part. The bed in the guestroom at Mia's place.

I felt like an intruder constantly but there was nowhere else I could have gone. I couldn't go home because I wasn't ready for my mother to interrogate me about what happened. I couldn't go back to our house because Harry was probably there and being in the same building as him wouldn't have done either of us any good. Harrison was at university and I wasn't about to crash at his student house, Lesley was in America with our father. Alex was busy with teaching his classes and taking care of his own life. So, the only place left for me was Mia's.

It was wrong and I knew it. I rudely interrupted their lives by being cooped up in their guest bedroom. I'm sure they had their own shit to deal with and I was there, twenty-four seven, just eavesdropping on them. Well, not on purpose. But I could hear stuff if I wanted to.

Then again, they seemed to be more than OK with accommodating me. Mia couldn't tell me enough how they both were cool with me staying as long as I needed and that should have made me feel better. It really should have. Aiden and Mia were both so welcoming and comforting and nice to me during this whole thing. But I just couldn't help but feel like I was a burden to them.

So I did what I thought I had to.

The minute they both left for work, I ordered myself an Uber and went to the closest hotel I could find. I needed to clear my head. Plus, if I was going to be scooped up in a room on my own, I could have done that at a hotel. That way, no one was going to come in the room and check on me every five minutes. Which was nice but also did my head in.

My life turned upside down and I needed to figure out a way to move it back to its original place. Or maybe I was meant to learn to live that way? I didn't know and it was going to take so fucking long to figure it out. I wanted to just... stop feeling. I wanted to stop existing for a little while. I wanted this whole thing to just brush over me and leave me to live my life.

I didn't understand why this had to happen to me. Was it because I was ungrateful when I received the news? Because I wasn't one hundred percent about this baby from the get go? Was it because I hurt people in the past and in the process of the news revealing? Was this fate's way of punishing me for doing things wrong in the past? Karma finally caught up to me, maybe. I didn't understand how I got here. It pained me.

I was alone and upset. Sobs caused my body to shake as I curled up under the blanket and felt sorry for myself. I had to. No one else did. I was on my own and perhaps that's how I wished to be, didn't mean I would have enjoyed someone's company.

Someone's who I shouldn't have wanted or needed.

Harry's.

He was the love of my fucking life. He loved me like no one else before. But he hurt me so bad and although my heart cried for him, so much so that I thought it was going to kill me in the end, my mind was stronger as it kept me from reaching out to him. I doubted he wanted anything from me anymore, anyway. He made it clear that I was the reason why he was not going to be a father any longer.