wedding buddies ↠ harry styles ✓

NINETY SIX

Carrington Hill

I was nowhere near close to a poet in terms of talent therefore the way I worded the letter I decided to give Harry was really messy and all over the place. It sounded like the way I spoke and not how a letter should have sounded like. But this was my best option.

There was no way I could have told him everything I felt in that moment, about what happened between us and about the way he made me feel for the past three years. I wanted him to know how I felt once he calmed down and proceeded to be in a better mental state. I hated leaving him, knowing he was hurting and probably will not open up to anyone about what is bothering him and how he is truly feeling. I knew him well enough to be aware of the fact that he will suffer alone before he goes to anyone for help. But I had to do it. I had to leave him because I couldn't hurt myself more. Even though the thought of leaving him was hurting me, I believed that going back to him after he was so cruel to me would just be wrong.

I asked my brother to drop me off at the house. Our house. The house we couldn't even show to our families yet. The house we wanted to live the rest of our lives in. The house where we would have brought Elle home. The house I loved so much and had to leave so early. I suddenly felt like I haven't had the chance to appreciate it enough and it broke my heart when I saw it for the first time since the night of my miscarriage.

"What are you doing?" I asked my brother when he undid his seatbelt and pulled the key out of the car. He said he had to rent one from the airport and they said it was cool if he kept it as long as he paid for it. I didn't really get how it was possible but I didn't question it too much. At least he had a way of getting around and it came in handy for me.

"Going inside," he said easily. "Why?"

"I just... I wanna do it alone, you know," I said softly. I didn't want my brother to come inside because I was afraid I would break down the minute I stepped inside. I hated crying in front of people and the fact that he saw me like the complete mess I was before was enough for a day.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I doubt he is home," I said as I looked at the driveway, just to find it empty. There was a possibility that the cars were inside the garage but he usually left at least one out.

"Alright-alright," he lifted his hands off of the steering wheel as he gave in. "You go in and I'll wait out here."

"Thank you," I said as I opened the door and slipped out.

I grasped the letter in my hand as I fiddled with the keys to open the door. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly as I stepped inside and the familiar scent rushed up my nose. I missed being home so much and, in that moment, the realisation hit me that this will probably be the last time I would enter this house for a while.

The house seemed quiet and empty as I walked up the stairs. I found it hard to keep myself and my emotions together because I didn't want to believe that this would be my last time in this house. It hurt so fucking much. It might have seemed stupid for outsiders that I was so emotional over something so material but this place had an immense amount of meaning to me.

I wanted to go in the baby room but I wasn't sure if I was ready. I wanted to put it off as long as I could. The last time I was in there, I still had a baby in my stomach. A baby that I loved so much and was unable to take care of. I hated myself so much for being so useless. I mean, if I can't carry a baby in me for nine months, what the fuck am I needed for?

Harry made it clear that it was nothing.

I noticed that my breathing picked up as well as my heart rate when I entered our room. It was the same way I left it which made me realise no one had been in the house since that night.