This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 21: Welcome to the Numb

**I have been going through chapter by chapter to update this book. This is where I have left off, but am working to get as much done as I can as quickly as I can! Plot is the same, just making some major, necessary overhauls :) -5/23

"You have really bad luck with glass, don't you?" Nikki says, more than asks.

We are finally back in the hotel after being in the emergency room for a few hours. I thankfully am finally sobering up. I guess I passed out and fell off the bed in the emergency room, that's about when Nikki walked in.

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm just upset that taking pictures is going to be so much harder, but I am glad that it wasn't my right hand."

"You should be happy that you didn't have any really bad damage, you could have cut off a finger or cut ligaments, it's serious."

"I know, dad, but I am okay and that's all that matters."

He lays down next to me and runs his hands through my hair, it's so calming, I could sleep right now.

"I'm sorry that I go into dad mode, I just worry about you... I worry about you more than myself. I love you, I have never loved anyone like this before to be honest."

"And I have never loved anyone like I love you either, you're amazing." I lean over to give him a kiss.

"I'm just scared to lose you again, quite frankly. I know glass in your hands probably wouldn't kill you, but I can't take that chance. I was really scared about what drugs you were on though, you threw up for a couple minutes when you woke up."

"Oh yeah... I did LSD and coke and then I drank and did some more; that's when I fell and broke my glass."

He frowns. "Mel, you can't do that, that is really, really dangerous."

"I just wanted to get fucked up, I want to forget life and shit... That's all I want, Nikki. Sometimes, it is just all too much, and I want to shut it off for a while."

"Yeah, I get that... I uh, I got that guys phone number in case you ever decide that you want to call him. He insisted that I take it."

I roll my eyes, "I doubt that I will ever call him, I can call my actual dad first and talk to him, but not now. Now, I really just want to sleep." "Well, did you at least have an okay birthday? I tried really hard to make it good... I feel like I failed at giving you a good party." "Nikki, you did amazing, don't feel like you didn't. You took me out to a nice breakfast, pampered me the whole day, and you went through all the trouble of throwing that big party for me. If anything, I ruined it by fucking up my hand and having to leave early." "You didn't ruin it, I've done worse shit than that." He laughs. "Yeah, you kind of dislocated and tore your shoulder last year driving after that party." "Yeah, that was... that was a time. I was really fucked up that night, but I'm still here to tell the tale." He slightly smiles. "I'm really happy that you're still here, but I still feel bad for being an ass to you." "Don't apologize. I know we haven't really talked about that night, I mean, a little, but not to the extent that I want," he sits up on his elbow, "I was gutted, I felt empty when they said you lost the baby. I was pissed that I didn't kill that bastard when I had the chance to. I still think about that every single day, I still think about how I wasn't there for you. We didn't grieve together, we haven't processed it, I've drank and tried to use drugs to not think about it, but it's always in the back of my mind. And I hate that you felt too scared to tell me about John, for months, I just feel like it's my fault too. I don't know how I didn't know... I feel like a horrible boyfriend and a horrible person, Melody. And me thinking it was okay to tell you about what happened on tour was just stupid of me, I keep thinking about that too. I'm just an idiot." "Nikki, you are not an idiot, love. We both did things we shouldn't have, I know we need to be there for each other because of what happened. We do need to deal with it. I think about it all the time too. I feel like a horrible person for not crying anymore or whatever, but I don't want to acknowledge that she's gone. I haven't even given anyone back the baby stuff they got me. I haven't told dad... I just want it to not be real. I keep thinking about how last Christmas, when you were putting the star on the tree, I imagined you holding our little girl up to put the star on top. And I would take a picture of it just like I did last year." That image makes me cry about the miscarriage for the first time since the night it happened. "Oh baby, I know, I thought about that too. We have to tell Beth and Cathy to cancel the baby shower too." Beth... oh my god, I forgot about Beth! I slept with Vince! I slept with my boyfriend's bandmate and my friends' husband! Oh my god... how could I have forgot that, how am I that shitty of a person? I know we were drinking, but damn, get a grip, Melody! "Are you okay, you look concerned." Nikki says. "Oh, no, I just forgot about the baby shower, I will tell them tomorrow. It's just really hard." "I know, but we will get through it." He wipes the tears from my face and kisses me on the forehead. "I will always be here for you no matter what, and you can come to me with anything, literally anything. If some disgusting man touches you, I want to know." "Okay, I promise that I will tell you if anything else happens, scouts honor." I salute, making him chuckle. "You're too cute. Now, sleep tight and get some rest, I love you." "I love you too, Nikki."