This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 37: White Punks on Dope

"Nikki, have you seen my ring?" "What ring?" I roll my eyes and continue to tear up the hotel room, so I can find my stupid engagement ring. I had it here last night, but it was gone when I woke up. Mick and Mallory came over and the four of us drank, played card games, and talked. It was one of the better nights that I've had on this tour, especially after what happened with Joe nearly a month ago now. I feel so fucking guilty, but I don't regret it... I wish he didn't make me stop. I've just been a hot mess. I went off of my anti-depressants, so I'll have a sex drive with Nikki, and that's making me moody as hell. I've been trying to control it myself, but it gets hard sometimes. Nikki hasn't changed at all, he's still going out whenever he wants, doing whatever he wants, not thinking about me at all. After the fight we had on Halloween, it's like a flip switched in his brain, and I can only blame myself for it. "Just call Mallory and ask if she's seen it." He says. "I guess I'll ask her when I see her today." "I can always buy another one, it's not a big deal." He shrugs. "But it is a big deal. It shouldn't just be a ring that you can replace so easily like that." "I could buy you a better one than that, it really isn't a big deal. It's a fucking ring, that doesn't make someone married, it's a piece of jewelry." "Fine, whatever, I can't expect you to understand it." I grab my toiletry bag and angrily walk to the bathroom to throw my things in it. One of the effects of me being off of my medicine is that the littlest things set me off. I can have a full meltdown over one argument. "Melody, will you fucking calm down?" "No! I'm not going to fucking calm down, just leave me alone right now, I don't want to talk to you." "Are you being serious? You're that pissed off over a goddamn ring? Jesus Christ, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you need to chill the fuck out." "You. That's what's gotten into me recently, it's you! Now leave me alone!" I grab my shoes, and stuff my feet in them, I need to ask Mallory if she's seen my ring. "Where are you going?" He asks. "It doesn't matter." I slam the door behind me, right in his face. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, I don't like it. Mick and Mallory's room is right down the hall, so I don't have to go far to talk to them. "Mallory." I say and knock on the door until someone answers. "Damn, Mel, can't you be more patient?" She's in her robe while Mick is still in bed; it's 5 in the afternoon. "Sorry. Have you seen my ring?" "What ring?" "My fucking engagement ring! It was on the bedside table last night, but I can't find it now, I have no idea where it could be. I tore up our hotel room to try and find it." "No, I don't know where it is... did it fall in the sink?" "Fuck, I don't know. I guess I'll have to get maintenance to check or something. Goddamnit." I walk back to mine and Nikki's room, he's been watching me this whole time. "I already called maintenance just in case it would happen to be in the sink." He says. I push myself past him, bumping my shoulder into his just to piss him off. "Mel," he grabs me and turns me around to face him, "I don't know what's going on, but you can't keep acting like this. You can talk to me." "No, I can't. Besides, I'm not acting any certain way, I don't know what you're talking about." "Jesus Christ- yes you do!" "No, I don't!" "Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you? I am constantly doing something wrong, I don't get it!" He yells. "Nothing! You didn't do anything okay, just leave me the fuck alone!" I yell back, storming off to the bathroom. "No, you're not walking away from me, you're going to tell me why you've been so damn pissy recently." "You don't tell me what to do, you don't own me, you don't have any authority over me. It's really fucking funny how you think that you can do whatever the hell you want and not think about it." "What are you talking about? I would like to know." "God, you're so blind," I scoff, crossing my arms, "I went off my medicine, so I could have sex with you, because I am tired of you fucking other girls behind my back!" He stands there, taken aback by what I just said. He knows that I'm not wrong about what's been going on either. "Why? You didn't have to go off of it-" "Yes, I did, I thought it would help. Now, you don't want to have sex with me because you're too busy putting your dick in every girl that crosses your path. I didn't know that it was too much to ask for a little respect from my fiancé." "I'm sorry, Mel." "No, you're not, you're not sorry, and you never will be sorry. You've cheated on me multiple times, every single time you go out to a club or bar. Every single time you apologize, and then, you do it again. It's a cycle that you'll probably never stop, I'll always be stuck here wondering who you're fucking next. I'm scared to have sex with you because I don't even know what STDs you could have." "Really? That's fucking low, you're just being an asshole now." He rolls his eyes. "No, I'm not! I'm being fucking honest, something that you aren't with me. The truth hurts, so you better suck it up." "In my defense, at the Halloween party, you told me to fuck other girls if I wanted to." "I wasn't being serious! Why can't I be good enough for you? I can ever be good enough, there's always something wrong with me. You give me false hope and you made me think that we would get married when I bet you don't even want to." "Melody, I do want to get married to you, I wouldn't have proposed if I didn't." "Then why don't you act like it? I just want you to fucking care about me! I want to feel loved again, and like I have someone who is there for me, why can't I ever have that?" My voice breaks and tears stream down my face. I start sobbing so hard that I feel like I can't breathe, there's that panic attack. "No, no, it's okay baby," Nikki pulls me into his arms and rocks us back and forth, "I do love you, and I do care about you. I am always here for you, you know that." "No I don't, you act like you don't care, you don't want to be around me or touch me anymore. I don't know what I did wrong." "You didn't do anything wrong, Mel, I'm just stupid." "No, you're not. How about we just kind of take a break for a bit? Like... not breaking up, but not exclusive. You can do whatever you want whenever you want and not have to feel any pressure being with me." "But I don't want to do that, I want to be with you." "If you want to, that's up to you. I'm not going to make you want me or be with me, if you have sex with other girls until I decide the break is over, cool. If you don't, that's cool too. I don't want everyone else to know about this though, so don't tell them. We'll act normal, we'll sleep in the same bed, it'll be fine. But I just need the mental break right now." "O-Okay, we can do that, I want you to be happy and comfortable." I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but I want to somehow make everything better.