This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 42: Merry - Go - Round

Tomorrow is the day that I leave for England after a week filled with chaos and Nikki and I slightly avoiding each other. Moreso him than me, but I can also take credit for our lack of communication. I wake up before him, and he doesn't get back home until I'm asleep. I'm a little sad that I'm leaving without him but, I think it will be good for me to get away for a week. The guys have been in the studio coming up with songs for the new album, so he has something to occupy himself with. I have been at the modeling studio all week getting things in order and taking sample shots, because I've realized that I like being behind the camera. I don't care much for modeling. I make it home to pack my things, and Nikki's car is in the driveway. He should be at the studio right now. I walk in and find him on the couch with baggies of drugs and half a bottle of Jack gone. "What are you doing home?" I ask. "Me and Vince got in a fight, so we let out of recording early." "Oh... what was the fight about?" "He hasn't been showing up for recordings hardly, we can't work without him there. It's just bullshit." He shrugs. "Ah, well, I'll be in the bedroom if you need me." Packing shouldn't take too too long, I pretty much know what I want to wear. I had to go out and buy winter clothes because I hardly own any. I was born and raised in California, so I've had no need for winter clothes. I do have some sweaters and cardigans because I really like how cozy they are, but I almost have a heat stroke when I wear them out.  Going somewhere colder will give me a chance to finally wear them and feel comfortable. I bought some dressier clothes for the trip, I haven't really been dressing up recently, so I figured that I should try to look nice. All of the girls who model always look so amazing, I need to keep up with them. I think my blonde hair will impress them, especially since I have been talking about wanting it for so long. It's so much maintenance, but it is so worth it. I think it looks better on me, and I don't have to worry about looking ugly with my dark hair and dark eyes, something about me is desirable. I glance at the clock and see that I've been packing for nearly two hours already, meticulously planning outfits for the 5 days I'll be gone. It's only 7PM, but I'm starting to get tired thinking about the long flight ahead of me early tomorrow morning. "Hey, what are you doing for dinner?" Nikki slurs from the couch as I go into the kitchen to get water. "I'm not sure, I've been packing." "Packing? Why are you packing?" "I'm going to England for the modeling shoot." "Um, no, you aren't. I told you that you weren't going, I wasn't joking." He stands up, stumbling a bit in the process. "I'm my own person, I have free will, I'll leave if I want." I scoff. "No, you aren't going, and that's final." He crosses his arms. "Nikki, I am leaving if I damn well want to!" "No, you're not, I told you that you aren't!" "I don't have to listen to you, especially not when you're drunk like this. You don't always have to be an asshole, you know that, right?" "I'm not being an asshole, you're just being unreasonable." I roll my eyes, "No, you're the one who is being unreasonable! You are jealous and insecure, that's what this whole fight amounts to. You're scared that I'll cheat on you or, better yet, that I'll leave you. You can't deny it." "You're such a prissy little bitch! I'm so tired of you leading me on, and throwing me around like I have no feelings, like I am completely oblivious to what you've been up to." "What are you even talking about? I have done nothing to you!" "You know what I'm talking about, Melody. Stop being so stupid." "You're such an asshole, you think you've had such a hard life and you get to take it out on everyone around you. I don't feel sorry for you." I nearly spit. "Go to hell." He pushes me into the kitchen counter, making me hit my ribs off of the edge hard. "What the fuck?" I push him, receiving a slap across the face. I feel tears in my eyes from the sting, I try to blink them away. "Shit. I-I-" I cut him off, not wanting to hear him talk, "I don't care what you have to say, I don't care about your feelings, and I don't want to hear your opinions. I'm going, and I am going to have a good trip." I storm off to the bedroom, taking all of my things for England, and putting them in my car to leave. "Melody, wait." Nikki says. I ignore him, and walk back in to get my jacket. When I go to walk out of the house again, Nikki has the front door closed and blocked off, "Melody, stop." "No, I am tired of you hurting me. I am in physical pain because you can't control your emotions, and I have had emotional pain for a while too. I thought that you loved me, and you would never hurt me, Nikki, I wish that you stuck with that." "I do love you, I'm sorry!" He says with tears in his eyes. It breaks my heart, but I'm so pissed at him, I can't trust him. "No, I'm not accepting that this time. Just let me leave please, I just want to go." "Fine." He pushes past me, leaving the door wide open. The cool outdoor breeze makes my hairs stand on end, and soothes the heat on my face where he slapped me. I have to get ahold of the agency to tell them that I'm sick or something, I know that my face will be too fucked up for the shoot. My flight is early tomorrow, so I'll find a payphone, then I'll just sleep in my car, and then drive to the airport. It's not ideal, but I can't be around Nikki right now. This is why I didn't want to get back with him... I'm scared to. I know he got mad this time because I'm not with him, but I know he would get mad even if I was; he always does. He doesn't know how to control his anger, and it's terrifying sometimes. He didn't used to hit me or lay his hands on me either but, he does now. He does a lot of things that he didn't used to do, and I know that I do too, but he provokes it. He makes me so angry, I can't control myself sometimes. I don't know what to do.

I make it to a payphone and tell my boss that I can't make it, I kind of lied and said that I caught a stomach bug or something. He cancelled my hotel room and everything else, so I don't know where I will stay. I dial Joe's number, hoping he will answer this late, and hoping he will know someone who will let me stay with them. "Hello?" "Hey, this is Melody." "Hey, what's up?" I hear some concern in his voice. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm not going to be modeling this week, so they cancelled my hotel room. I wanted to know if you know anyone who would let me board with them until it's time for me to leave." "Well... you could stay with me if you'd like. I have a spare bedroom that I can set up." "Are you sure? You don't have to do that." "It's not a problem, I'm more than happy to do that for you." "Thank you so much." I smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, do you need a ride from the airport?" "Oh, yes, that would be good. I'll be landing at 4PM, it was supposed to be an overnight flight, but it didn't work out that way." "Sounds good then. I will see you tomorrow, have a safe flight." My heart flutters at how kind he is. He is always so nice to me and I don't know what I did to deserve it. I drive to the airport parking lot, and it's now 8:30. I realize that I still haven't eaten dinner, but I'll be okay missing a meal, no matter how loud my stomach growls. I fold out the back seats and grab the pillows and blanket that I have hidden in the cupboard to make the bed. I'm glad that I have this car, It'll be way more comfy than sleeping in any regular car, especially my old one. Nikki really did good with this gift, and I'm still grateful for it. I miss that version of him, I don't know if I'll get it back, but I was so happy. He seemed so happy too, I wonder if I'm what is making him unhappy, or is it just drugs?