This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 58: Are You With Me Now

Melody

Vince gasps when he sees me, "Look at those gnarly gashes on your face!"

I cross my arms at my chest. "They aren't gashes anymore. I had to get them stitched."

"Then they definitely were gashes. How did you even get them?"

"I tripped and fell in the house. Fucking busted my face open on the coffee table. It hurt like a bitch."

"It fucking looks it." He chuckles.

I eye Nikki leaving the recording area to flop down on the couch with a cigarette in his hand. I can't remember the last time he smoked.

"Yes, I'm smoking." He says after reading the apparent expression on my face.

One thing that I hate is cigarettes. Everyone else seems to love them, but they taste, and smell, so horrible. Tommy is the worst out of everyone when it comes to smoking. Nikki is usually too busy shooting up drugs to think about smoking anymore... something is off.

"Yeah, I see that. Why are you smoking?" I ask.

He scoffs and shakes his head. "Why am I smoking? I have more reasons to smoke than not to smoke and you're asking me why."

"Well, I'm sorry that I asked." I throw my hands up in surrender.

I get up and walk outside for some fresh air. Even without the smoke, the air in that room was difficult to breathe. Nikki has been angry with me ever since he and Tommy came home and saw me like that. I guess I can't really blame him since it wasn't the first time I had a seizure from coke. I could have really hurt myself this time. Not as if I didn't, but he said that I could have died instead of just getting busted up. I didn't, though, so I'm okay. I'll just hide it better next time. I mean, if there is a next time. I don't have to do it; I just like to do it, and there are alternatives.

I did end up going to the meeting for the building today looking like this. The man showing it apologized like 50 times for how he acted on the phone, and he even offered to reschedule the viewing. I was already there, though. The place is perfect. I want it. I just haven't been able to tell Nikki the good news yet since he's been busy or pissed off at me all day. I understand why he is upset, but I don't know why he feels the need to be so hostile towards me. He got his ass thrown in a dumpster before, so it's not really different.

The door next to me suddenly opens causing my head to jerk in its direction. I see Nikki coming outside so, I look away. I don't want to piss him off just by looking at him.

"Hey, Mel," he says, walking my direction. "Look, I'm sorry for being an asshole today. I'm just upset over what happened yesterday. You really could have gotten hurt. I mean, you could have died, and I wasn't home. It terrifies me. You know that you can't do coke anymore after last time. I just got pissed at you... I'm sorry."

"That still doesn't give you the excuse to treat me like a child. It's not okay, Nikki." I cross my arms as I feel the heat rise to my cheeks.

"I know it doesn't, and I'm not trying to say how I've been acting is okay. I just want to apologize for being an asshole."

I look over as I hear him light another cigarette and he takes a long drag. He looks tired. I know he didn't sleep much last night; staying awake to make sure I didn't have another seizure, fall out of bed, or rip open a stitch. He wouldn't even let me go to the bathroom by myself. I've never seen him care for someone else like that.

I lay my head on his shoulder. He soon wraps an arm around me and presses my body against his.

"I just care about you; you know that. I know that I'm overbearing; I don't know how to express emotions; I'm an asshole; I'm whatever. I just want you to be safe."

He kisses the top of my head, and I finally relax a bit at the affection.

"I know... thank you for caring about me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life."

"Don't even thank me. I'm just being a good fiancé or trying to anyway." He chuckles.

"That's all we can do is try... I know that I'm not the easiest to get along with or take care of. I really appreciate you trying to put up with me, even though things haven't necessarily been great at times."

"Mel, I love you to death. You're my girl. I will stay by your side through the good and the bad. I want to marry you. You're worth it to me. So fucking worth it."

"I love you so much." I squeeze my arms tight around him.

It's moments like this that make me so happy to have Nikki in my life. It makes the bad worth it. Even though the bad can be pretty bad. It doesn't last forever, and Nikki is amazing at making things better or trying to, anyway.

"I love you too, baby girl," he smiles, "You know, maybe we can look at setting a date for the wedding. Something to look forward to."

I feel a knot in my stomach at his suggestion. Why do I keep feeling queasy about marrying Nikki? I love him, and I want to be with him, so, what's the problem?

"Yes, we can think about it." I half smile.

"I'm sorry. Maybe we should let things simmer and then come back to this. I'm just getting a bit antsy is all. I'm starting to feel like you don't want to marry me. Which is stupid, I know, but I worry." He says.

"Hey, you don't have to worry," I swallow the lump in my throat, "It'll be alright. We will get there in time, okay? I love you."

"I love you too." He says and places a kiss on my lips.

"You better get back in there before they drag you inside." I giggle, effectively changing the subject.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say." He playfully rolls his eyes but walks back inside the building.

I slump over and place my head in my hands, feeling anxious. I wish I were normal. I wish I weren't so hung up on this marriage thing. It should be easy to set a date and follow through with it. I just keep thinking about how Joe would feel about it. I don't even know why that matters. I should be able to let him go. Right? If I really love Nikki and want to be with him, I should be able to marry him and let Joe go.

I just keep cycling through things in my head and coming up with different scenarios. Joe has always been nice to me, and Nikki hasn't. Who is to say that Nikki would even be a good husband? Who is to say that I would even be a good wife? I didn't exactly have the best role models growing up. It could be a self-fulfilling prophecy of disaster if we aren't careful. I shouldn't think about Joe in this scenario, but it's almost impossible. I feel like I love him too. I do love Joe; I can't deny that.

But, I loved Nikki first, and I still love him... I just don't know if I am in love with him. I'm just so tired of feeling this way because I feel that I owe something to Nikki. Oh. Wait. Is that why I'm still with him, despite everything? I mean, I wouldn't have feelings for Joe if I was completely satisfied right now. I owe a lot to Nikki, though, and I couldn't pay him back...

Fuck. I don't know the answer. I still don't even know if the pictures of Joe and I will be leaked anywhere. I'm hoping so hard that they don't, but I don't know who took them or why they took them in the first place. I have a lot to work out before we think about setting a date for the wedding.