This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 38: Fractured Love

It's the second to last day of tour, things have been interesting to say the least. Nikki and I still are on a break, he has been using it to his advantage too... not like I care. Mick has been drinking 24/7 since Mallory left him, Tommy and his Fiancé are on the rocks, Vince and his wife are almost divorced too. Then, you have all the drugs and girls and sex, like they get so much shit for free because of who they are. I stay at the hotel while they go out and party, then Nikki comes back between 3 and 5am and finally goes to bed. But, like I told him, he can fuck whoever. I just kind of hoped that he wouldn't, that's what is making this break harder for me, and why it's gone on for as long as it has. We are at a week and a half now. He has been trying to get me to look at rings, but I really have no interest in that at the moment. I'm not even mad at Mallory over her selling the ring, I feel sorry for her, I don't get it. I think she was being manipulated by her ex, that's the only reason why she went back. She's pregnant with Mick's kid for god sake. All she wanted was to have his child and get married to him, she was a pretty simple girl. She was always there for me, and now, I have no one. I always have Mick, but he isn't a girl, he doesn't understand things like Mallory did. And he's kind of a drunk right now, I don't want to put my problems on him while he's going through the wringer too. I'm the only girl on tour yet again, and it kind of sucks, I'll admit. I haven't attempted to sleep with any guys either, I have no interest in that at all... unless it's Joe. Fuck. I'm going to pinch myself every time I think about him. "Melody... Earth to Melody." Nikki waves his hand in front of my face to get my attention. "Oh, sorry, I'm not with it today." "It's okay, it's just your turn to lay down a card." He chuckles. "Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't get a lot of sleep." All we do anymore is play cards... yawn. It's all they have the energy and concentration for between shows when they aren't partying or sleeping. I've gotten really really good at them though, we are about to graduate to board games. "How're you holding up?" I ask Mick. "I'm good, the vodka really helps." "Hey, we're stopping at a rest stop." the driver says, thank god. We all lay our hands down, and the guys file out of the truck, except for Mick. He hasn't been doing much since Mallory left, and he's never been one to do much regardless, but I know he liked her the moment that he laid eyes on her. "How are you and Nikki?" He asks. "Um, we aren't any closer to going back to where we were. I thought he would take this serious and not fuck other girls even though I gave him permission to, but he of course still is. I don't know if he'll ever change, but I don't want to leave him." "I don't know if he'll ever change either. Being in this band has changed him, and so have the drugs and girls. It's changed all three of those clowns out there, I don't know what to tell you, I wish he wouldn't be such an idiot." "I know... I do too. And, you can't tell a soul this, but I almost had sex with Joe on Halloween. I never thought that I could like anyone else after being with Nikki, but man, he's something else, Mick. I-It's so weird." I sigh. "Oh, wow, I never thought of you to cheat," he laughs, "But, we all have been there. Go with your gut, you know what is best for you, you are way smarter than you think. Even though you put up with Nikki's shit." "Love is blind." I laugh. "Even if you don't work out, you'll always be my favorite." "Thank you, but you're stuck with me as a friend forever now, and I know where you live." "Damn, I have a stalker." He chuckles. "Hey, Melody got Mick to laugh, what a miracle worker." Nikki laughs and kisses me on the forehead. I internally gag, but I laugh along, so no one thinks anything is wrong. Maybe Mick is right, I just have to listen to my gut, I'm smart. I can figure it out.

"Melody, could you untangle these wires for us? The guys who usually handle that stuff are busy helping the other guys move because they have three sick." Nikki says. "Yeah, sure, I can do that." "Thank you, I'll be at soundcheck if you need me or if you need the guys' help." I roll my eyes when he turns his back, I don't know why it pisses me off when he's nice to me. It feels so fake when he's nice and tries to be helpful, like he knows that he's not nice. I don't know why I have to help them set up for the concert tonight anyway, it gives me something to do, but I'm literally only halfway done with these wires after 10 minutes of fucking around with them. "Hey, Melody." Someone calls to me. I look up the wires, and that's when I see him. His green eyes stare into mine from across the hall, making my heart rate accelerate. I drop what I'm doing, and I walk away from him, pretending that I never saw him here. "Melody!" He calls after me, but I keep walking. Thinking of that night still brings tears to my eyes because of how stupid I am. Because of how both Nikki and I have gotten worse despite me letting us go on a break... it's all a painful reminder. "Melody, please stop." He says. I take a few more steps then reluctantly stop, feeling obligated because he said please. I turn around to look at him with my arms crossed, "What do you want?" "I just want to talk." He says. "Why? What is there to talk about?" "I want to talk to you about what happened, a-and just... ugh, can we talk? Please." "Fine, but we aren't doing it out here in the open where anyone can listen, follow me." I walk to the sound closet and lock us in, so no one can interrupt us. "Okay, what do you want to say?" I ask. "I want to apologize for taking advantage of you when you were drunk, and for embarrassing you." "Taking advantage of me? I was about to kiss you if you didn't kiss me when you did. I knew what I was doing, although I definitely was intoxicated and sloppy." "But, I'm me, Nikki is... well, he's Nikki Sixx." "And Nikki Sixx has a shit load of problems. I do too though, so maybe that's why we are still together," I roll my eyes, "I mean, we are on a break right now, but that's besides the point. After I met you, that night is all I can fucking think of." "Me too... that's why I came here; I wanted to just see you. I wanted to see if it felt the same, or if it was just that night and the drugs." He says, visibly nervous. "Well, does it feel the same?" I ask with maybe a little too much hope in my voice. "Yeah, it does, and that's the problem." He looks at the ground. "The only problem I see now is that we aren't kissing yet." I nervously bite my lip, anticipating his reaction. He stares at me with wide eyes for a second before pulling me to him. "I don't want to just kiss you." "Me either, is that wrong?" I look into his blown pupils filled with lust, looking for any second thoughts from him. "No, it's just what I wanted to hear." Our lips meet again, giving me the same stomach flips I felt the night of the party. I get the same desire in the pit of my stomach, making me want to rip his clothes off right there. He slips his tongue in my mouth, making me moan loud enough that I'm worried people heard. "You have to be quiet, love." He says. Hearing him say that turns me on even more, his voice is perfection. We practically rip off each other's clothes, throwing them all over the closet, making it a pain to find them later. Every touch he makes to my bare skin feels electric, I feel like a puddle of water being exposed to a live wire. He hoists me up and I wrap my legs around his waist before he presses my back against the wall. He kisses and nips at my neck, tiny whimpers tumble out of my mouth, filling the tiny room with hot air. "Are you ready?" He asks against my skin. I vigorously nod my head yes, I have waited for this, I am more than ready. I take in a sharp breath when he thrusts in me and I grit my teeth to not let out a moan that would give us away. This is better than I even imagined it would be, my face is flushed, our skin is hot to the touch. I love hearing his soft moans and grunts, feeling his skin against mine, looking into his eyes, feeling him in me. It's all so different from how I imagined, it's just so much better. "Melody, I'm gonna cum." He moans in my ear. "Me too." I squeak out. I don't want this to end, I know it will have to when we finish, but I haven't felt this good sober in so long. We both let go at the same time, trying so hard to stifle our moans, so no one hears. He presses his lips against mine to muffle ourselves, then, he lays his forehead against my shoulder to try and catch his breath. I can feel the sweat on his body from being in this tiny, cramped room. "That was... something." I say. "Is that a good or bad thing?" He chuckles. "It was amazing." He looks up at me, "I was worried for a second there. It was amazing for me too," he smiles, then his eyes widen, "I just realized, I forgot the condom." Way to ruin the mood, Joe. "It's okay, I'm on the pill, I take it religiously." "I can buy you plan B if you want." "No, it's okay, trust me." I giggle. "Okay, if you say so. I know that I don't have any STDs." I roll my eyes then smile, "Did you really think that I would think having sex with you is bad?" "I don't know... I think I'm mediocre. You are also with an apparent sex god, so." "No, you're great, I wouldn't lie about that. Also, don't even think about Nikki, don't compare yourself to him." "I'll try not to." He chuckles. "Also, also, can I get down, this wall is hurting my back." "Yeah, sorry, I was so caught up in us talking that I just kinda forgot." "It's okay." My words get caught in my throat when he puts his hands on my waist to help me down. Fuck, I love when he touches me, every touch makes my stomach flip. "We should get back out there before they go on a manhunt and realize that we are together." He says with a laugh. "Y-Yeah, that's a good idea." I fake laugh. "Are you okay?" He lifts my chin to look at him. I nod my head and go back to looking for all of my clothes. "No, are you really okay? I know you and Nikki aren't good, I want to know if there's anything that I can do." "C-Could you just... could you hold me for a minute? It's okay i-if not, I don't want to seem weird." I dry swallow. "Yeah, I can do that. You're not weird, Mel." We manage to find a comfortable spot on the ground, and I lay my head against his chest with his arms wrapped around me. I feel so safe and warm like this, I miss cuddling, feeling someone's body heat against me and listening to their heartbeat. That always made me feel close to Nikki, it would put me to sleep most of the time with it's steady tempo. I feel awkward though, he's going to think that I'm weird, he'll never want to see me again. "Okay, we can get up now." I stand up and put all of my clothes back on while he does the same. "You know that I don't think you're weird, right?" He asks. "It's okay if you do, I shouldn't put my fucked up relationship problems on you. Cuddling wasn't appropriate." "It's fine, I liked it." He says, and takes my hand in his. "You did?" "Yeah... I like when I can make you happy." Oh god, why did he have to say that? "Thank you, it means a lot... we should get out there now." I nervously laugh. "Okay, I'll see you later, I think we are all going out tonight." He says. "Okay, I'll see you." I turn off the light as he walks out of the closet, so no one will see me. I wait a minute or so to walk out, then I go back to trying to untangle those damn wires. 

"Hey, I was looking for you." Nikki says. "Oh, I'm sorry, I went to the bathroom." "We checked and you weren't in there." "I went to the sound closet after that to see if there's any wire holders or organizers." "Oh, I think we have some, they wouldn't be in there though," he looks at me weird, then presses the back of his hand against my forehead, "Are you okay? You're hot, and you look sweaty." "It's hot in that closet, and I've been feeling a little sick anyway, but I'll be fine," I shrug. "Okay... do you need any help?" "Sure, if you don't mind to before you go on." "Oh, I meant from the sound guys who usually do this." "Oh... yeah, sure. I'm feeling bad, I need to go lay down. I'll be in the dressing room if you need me." I sigh and walk away. There we go, he's never actually as nice as he acts, I just want the old Nikki back. The one who would take me to fancy restaurants and the secret grotto, the one who told me they love me so much no matter what happens. Maybe I fucked up our whole relationship, I could be the reason why it's in the ground right now, but be blaming all of it on him. I walk into the dressing room and see Vince railing some chick on the couch. "Oh jesus christ, Vince!" I exclaim and slam the door shut. "No, that's not my girlfriend, that's Nikki's." I hear him say. I roll my eyes and walk down the hall, so  I won't hear them. I just want to be somewhere alone where no one will talk to me, no one will be having sex, anything. Sometimes, I want to go back on my medicine, so I'll fucking feel normal again and have more control over my emotions. I know that I won't be normal on the medicine either, and I'll be a sexless prude once again. I'm just tired of feeling so fucking down and hopeless, I can't feel suicidal again, I have no one to talk to, nowhere to go. I'm losing everything important to me, and I don't feel like I can do anything about it. And the one good thing that's happened to me recently is wrong, or kind of wrong anyway. I'm scared... I don't know what to do. Every step forward is two steps back, and I don't know how to get ahead again.