This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 51: Find Myself

-1 month later-
You guys should come back and visit here since Rick is doing better, and we aren't on tour, so it will arguably be more fun." Nikki says. I nervously bite my nails at the thought of Def Leppard coming here to LA to visit, I hope so badly they decide they don't want to come here. I can't see Joe, I just can't do it, I'm scared that I won't be able to control myself and we will do something stupid. He just has that effect on me, the way he looks at me makes me melt, but I am with Nikki! Nikki is better, I love him, and we are engaged to be married, I am living every girls' dream right now. Girls would literally kill to be in my position, and yet, I'm apparently not satisfied enough. Thankfully, things have been better between me and Nikki, I couldn't be happier with the fact that we actually get along again. It reminds me of when we first started dating, how wonderful that was. I still can't believe we tried to be friends with benefits... that lasted for so long... not. I have just always been drawn to him, I think of my teenage self getting to go in the clubs with my jackass father having such a good time feeling pure pubescent lust for Nikki. I'm sure that me being a teenager wouldn't have even stopped him from pining after me, of course, and him coming after me that one night made me feel so special. He's even been so much better about the drugs, I have been in complete shock over it. He's either super good at hiding it, or he's literally just not hardly doing drugs at all anymore, which I know he's doing for my sake, so I won't leave him probably. He turns into such an asshole when he is strung out and I hate it. Maybe him being sober will fix our problems and me and Joe can put our FWB sessions behind us, because that's all they really are. "I'm sure that Melody would love you guys coming down, I know you all had a great time when she came to visit." I roll my eyes, sure you know that, Nikki. I mean, we did have a great time, but he wasn't with us, he doesn't really know. Can I really be upset with him for saying that though? Not really... but keeping that secret from him kind of makes going to London feel like a big, intimate thing, so him talking about it feels weird. If that even makes sense, I know it's absolutely ridiculous but whatever. "Do you want to talk to Melody? She's right here, I'm sure she won't mind. Go to the kitchen phone!" He whispers and uses a shooing away hand gesture. I roll my eyes and go sit in the living room, slightly freezing from the stark temperature contrast of comfy duvet covers to morning air. I don't know why he didn't call us later in the day than 8 am, but it's fine... we just didn't go to bed until 3 am is all... Tommy made us go to a bar with him, how could we say no? I would have loved saying no to talking to Joe, I wish Nikki knew what happened, he would have killed joe for even thinking about calling us. I don't hate him, and I am not mad at him, I would just like to put what happened in the past and move on so that Nikki and I can be normal again. I haven't felt the same since I left London, but I don't want to fuck around with Joe while I am with Nikki, and I don't want to leave Nikki. Now, him calling is going to make me sick to my stomach and want to touch him, but I can't do that. I wish I would have the courage to tell him to leave me alone, but I don't want that either. Why do I have to be so complicated all the time, why can't I just stay with Nikki and be content with that decision? If we had never lost our baby, this wouldn't have ever been an issue. Joe and I would have never hooked up in the first place. How sad does that make me? "Hey, Joe!" I force out a fake happy introduction. "Hey, Mel, how are you?" I can hear a twinge of hurt in his voice. "Good, how is Rick doing? And, you, of course." I silently curse myself for not asking about him first. "He's good, he was discharged a while back and he's as good as ever, or almost, he's just missing an arm is all." That makes me giggle, lightening the mood just a bit. "Hey, I'm sorry that I was a jerk the last time you called, I just-" "Don't worry about it, I understand." He says, cutting me off mid-sentence. I'm a little offended until Nikki begins to talk, then I realize why he did that. "So, you seem to be fine with them visiting?" Nikki says more so than asks. "Well, yeah, why wouldn't I be? It'll be a big party and I am definitely a fan of parties." "That you are." He chuckles. "Well, I ought to let you guys go, you should get a bit more shut eye." Joe says. "Oh okay, I'll talk to you later then." I say. "Bye, Joe." Nikki hangs up, ending the very short interaction, and I follow suit, going back to the bedroom after I hang up the line. "You seem friendly with Joe; did you see him while you were in London?" Nikki asks as I climb back into the warm bed. "Well, yeah, they're cool guys. We just went to a bar and I got to visit Rick, oh, Joe did show me around some cool places in London." "Ah that's cool, did he, you know, try to hook up with you or anything?" "What?! No! Why would he do that?" I feel my face heat up. "Just wondering... since we were on a break apparently. He wouldn't be better than me anyway." He shrugs. "And what makes you so sure of that?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "Well, I'll just have to show you."