This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 49: Red Hot

I finally pull up to the house after the long flight back to Los Angeles. I sit in my car for a minute, staring at the house, not even moving an inch to get out and walk to the door. I'm scared to walk through that door and see Nikki after how we left things, knowing that the whole reason why he didn't want me going to London came true. I did miss him while I was gone, I love him, I really do, I just wish our relationship wasn't so complicated. I wish that we would get along better, I wish a lot of things would be different between us. I finally talk myself into getting out of the car and walk my heavier than cement legs up to the front porch. "Nikki, I'm home!" I call out from the entryway and quietly close the door behind me. I walk to the living room, expecting him to be there, but he isn't. I was going to ask him to help me with my luggage but maybe he's still asleep, it is only 6pm, that's early... for him. Our bedroom door is shut, so I open the door, NIKKI, WHAT THE FUCK?!" I screech at him, not expecting to see him fucking another woman. I feel the beginnings of a panic attack start, making me panic even more, if that's possible. I can't have a panic attack in front of her, I can't have one in front of him either, so I slam the door shut and run to the bathroom making sure to lock the door. I fall to the floor and crawl over to the toilet to throw up, maybe I'll choke on my vomit and die, that would be the least embarrassing option for me now. I-I don't know what to do, he would've had to fuck another girl somewhere else to even consider bringing one into our own home, in our own bed! "Nikki, that's fucking embarrassing! I didn't know you still had a girlfriend! God. I'm leaving." "Kim, please don't be like this, I'm sorry!" I hear her footsteps get quieter and quieter until the front door slams shut, and I hear Nikki's footsteps grow louder until they stop outside of the bathroom door. "Melody, I know you're in there, please come out," He says, "Mel, I'm sorry, she came here, and brought drugs, and it just happened!" I don't reply, I don't even know what to say to him right now. He finally walks away after a minute of silence, and I get up off the bathroom floor and wipe off all of my fucked-up makeup, because I don't want Nikki knowing how badly he's hurt me, even though he deserves to have his dick chopped off. I walk out of the bathroom and head towards the kitchen so I can go outside and get my luggage out of the car. As I pass through, I see he's chugging Jack straight from the bottle, what a Nikki thing to do. When he sees me, he puts down the bottle and looks at me, I walk towards the door and suddenly feel a hand grab onto my arm, startled, I look back at Nikki who has tears in his eyes. "Melody, please baby, you can't leave me, please don't leave me. I love you, I'm sorry I get so fucked up, I'll quit, you're all I have. I promise I'll quit." By the end of his plead, he has me in his arms, fucking sobbing so loud. "M-Melody, ple-ease, I-I can't do this. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry, Mel, I'm so fucking sorry," I start to feel bad for him, I'm not even angry anymore, I'm heart broken. Maybe it was a one-time thing, maybe he won't do it again, he loves me... he needs me. I wrap my arms around him, and he holds me tighter, but he doesn't stop crying. Oh my god... I remember that I cheated on him with Joe... I'm a shitty girlfriend. He's fucking crying and begging for forgiveness while I'm just as shitty, if not shittier than him! How can I be upset with him for cheating on me when I did the exact same thing? I just have to be patient, and I have to help him, I know he will get over it, he won't hurt me again, and I won't hurt him again. Everything will be okay or maybe I'm just lying to myself... either way, it doesn't matter, I love him.

"Nikki, I want you to know that I love you." "Y-you don't hate me?" He whispers. "No, baby, I don't hate you." Tears fall down my cheeks and I hug him tighter. I love Nikki, but not this version of him, and I definitely don't love myself right now. "I love you so much, you don't even know. I won't fuck up again, Melody, I promise, I will never hurt you again. I want to marry you, I want you in my future. I want us to have kids, and have a giant, loving house. I don't want to be like my parents, I want to be better than them" "We will, Nikki, we will. You won't be like your parents, you'll be a great dad, that's a no brainer." He kisses me, I almost don't want to after knowing what he's been doing, but it just feels so good to kiss him. "You're amazing, Melody Rose," He smiles, "I'm gonna shower, then we can watch TV, yeah?" "Yeah, we can." I force a smile. He kisses my forehead and leaves me alone in the kitchen after that train wreck. I wonder if I'm stupid, or if I'm making the right decision. I want to talk to him about it, but I know he'll just be strung out again by the time he's out of the shower. I walk to our bedroom, my heart speeds up the closer I get, I can smell stale sex in the air; it makes my stomach turn. I finally go in and rip all the bedding off, I rip off pillow cases, throwing pillows on the floor, I grab all the sheets, pillow cases, blankets and comforter, and I throw them outside in the trash cans. I feel dirty just touching them, knowing some other woman's body was there. I don't know if I'll be able to trust Nikki for a while, I just knew this would happen. It's happened with every other guy I've dated, I was stupid to think I would be good enough for Nikki. And it's all my fault too, I'm the one who left for London, I'm the one who told him we weren't exclusive, I'm the one who fucked Joe multiple times. I'm just as bad, if not worse. I just sit on the floor in a ball and cry, I can't stop crying. I want to believe Nikki, I want to trust him, I want the old him back. Thinking about that makes me cry harder, I cry so hard I give myself a headache. I can't control my sobs, I keep crying and sobbing, gasping for air, almost hyperventilating. I cry so hard that no sound comes out. I wish I wouldn't have come home early, I would have never known, I wouldn't be so fucking heart broken, staying with a man who cheated on me in our own bed because I love him. Staying with him because I feel so fucking guilty for cheating on him, if you can even consider it that. No, we were technically still on a break, so I can make myself feel better by saying that, right? It just sucks that the first thing he did was go find some junkie to fuck while I was gone. I'm so fucking pathetic. "Mel, where are you?" Nikki calls and walks into the kitchen. I can't stop crying, it won't stop, no matter how hard I try. All of my pent-up emotions are pouring out of me and I can't contain them anymore. I wish that I could tell Nikki what happened, but I don't want to lose him, and not telling him hurts so bad. "Melody, baby, I'm sorry. Please don't cry, it will never happen again, I swear on my life, you know that I love you." I feel like it's all a lie. "C'mon, let's go to the living room." He picks me up and carries me to the couch where he gently lays me down and holds me in his arms to try and make me feel better, but it isn't working, it used to always work... I don't have anything now.