This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 40: All In The Name Of...

(So sorry for the long wait on this chapter, I have been busy with work and internship things for college 😅 Thank you all for reading and being patient with this 😊) (I republished because I messed up the time zones, I'm sorry about that lmao)

Dec. 24th

Christmas. I always loved the holidays when I was younger, even when my parents got divorced. Even with parents who weren't together, they both made the holidays feel alive and magical; relatives came to visit, we had dinners and presents, and there was always so much happiness. This year is different. My father is in jail for assaulting his pregnant fiancé... those bruises I saw on Maria's arm months ago were from him. She lost the baby soon after. Nikki is constantly nearly comatose from heroin. My mother still hasn't tried to reach out to me. Vince got in a car wreck and served 10 out of 30 days in prison after killing Razzle. Mick is depressed. Tommy is... Tommy. I've decided to take up drinking as a hobby, it's different from doing drugs all the time, it's so much more fun. It's been a nice change from the drug high. That was sarcasm. I also have nothing to give to Nikki tomorrow for Christmas, I haven't been able to go out of the house like this. Ever since going off of my antidepressants, I haven't really had the will to even leave the house, honestly. I have taken up journaling, it's fun to try and write things while I'm high or drunk, it's pretty interesting to see when I'm sober. It would be even better if I would stop ripping out pages and throwing them away. I'm already halfway through my notebook and almost all of those pages are gone. Joe has called me... twice, and I haven't called him back. Nikki yelled at me when he called the second time, he's so fucking insecure, it's unbearable sometimes. I just know that I'm not worthy of talking to Joe anymore. He shouldn't waste his time on me, he would be so disappointed in me right now... I can't stand to let another person down. And, you know, it's funny how I talk about Nikki like he's so horrible, yet, we are more alike than I would like to admit. Why do I even fuck around with Joe? Nikki is right when he calls me a whore, but I can't let him know that he's right, that would be one foot in the grave, and I am not ready for that. I already have one foot in the grave as is, with me binge drinking and doing drugs, oh, and not being on my antidepressants. Sometimes, I think back to when I attempted suicide, and I wish I would have been successful. I know it's so... fucked, but I just don't want to be alive sometimes. Not that I want to die... I just don't want to be alive anymore, I don't want this life. That's so pathetic to think, but I feel like I'm always one day closer to a mental breakdown. Life doesn't work out when you live like this, sooner or later, something has to give. I know it's my fault, I don't have any hobbies, I don't have a job or a business to look after... maybe I should start one? I'm scared of where I'm headed without anything to do, and I would have to use Nikki's money to get it off the ground. I could model again, save up all the money from that, and then I could start a business. I've always wanted a bookstore with a little coffee shop inside, I'll make it as cozy as possible. Nikki achieved his dream, I should too. "Hey, Mel today is the 24th, right?" Nikki asks me, naked in the kitchen for whatever reason. "Yeah... why are you naked?" "I'm washing the clothes, I can't wash the clothes if I'm wearing them." He's so weird, but it also makes sense. "We need to buy presents today, I haven't bought presents for anyone," He says, plopping down next to me on the couch, "Ooo, what are you writing?" I snatch my notebook away from him and tuck it under a couch pillow. "It's just a book, it's nothing." "If it wasn't anything, you wouldn't be hiding it from me." "No... it's just not good yet. It's a bunch of jumbled ideas, but it eventually will go together." It's actually my journal and he can't know what I'm writing in it or he will be upset. "Okay then, I want to be the first reader," he smiles, "Now, do you want to go look for last minute presents with me?" "Sure, I haven't really left the house in a while, and we both seem to be functioning well enough to go to the store today." I giggle. "We need to shower, and I really need to shave." He strokes the stubble on his jaw, I'll admit, he looks pretty hot with facial hair. "How about you keep it? It's sexy." "Really? Hot enough to shower together?" He raises an eyebrow. "Maybe... I don't know." I smirk. I forgot how alluring he can be sometimes. I don't hate Nikki, I love him to death, but he makes bad choices and he's mean sometimes. We still have amazing memories together, we have made it through so much; we can make it through this too. "What would I have to do to get a pretty girl like you to be naked with me?" "Calling me pretty seems good enough." I laugh. He swiftly picks me up from the couch and carries me to the bathroom over his shoulder. He turns on the water and sets me down by the sink. "It's about to get really steamy." He says. "Then come and take my clothes off." I smirk. "I can't say no to that." He slowly removes each article of clothing, kissing down my body as he goes. His touch gives me cold chills, even in the heat of the steam coming from the hot water. He hasn't touched me like this in a while, heroin and sex don't mix. "You don't even know how badly I want to bend you over this sink and fuck you." He says in my ear, making me whimper. "Do it then." "I don't want the fun to be over so soon." "As much as I want to fuck you for hours like we used to, we have to get ready to go shop for Christmas. We do have all night too." "Okay then, let's stick to plan A." He hoists me up onto the counter and slowly kisses my neck as he trails his finger tips up and down my thighs. He pulls my legs apart and stands between them, lining up with me. "You ready?" "Yes." I breathe out, wanting him so badly. He thrusts in and picks up pace, not going slow in the slightest. I feel my orgasm coming as his thumb rubs circles on my clit, edging me closer and closer. "F-fuck, I'm going to cum." I say, gripping his neck with one hand, the other tangled in his hair. "Me too, baby girl, cum for me." Him saying that sends me over the edge. He cums soon after, and we both ride out our orgasms, ending up a sweaty, panting mess. That the hardest I have orgasmed in a while, I forgot how good it feels. "Okay, we definitely need a shower now." He chuckles.