This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 47: Action Not Words

~Nikki~

"You have been off all day, what's wrong?" Mick asks me. I've been trying to ignore him, acting like I don't notice every little concerned glance he has sent my way throughout our studio session. I am fucked up right now, and it's not because of drugs. Well... it's because of drugs, but Melody is the root to my problem, and I have no idea on how to fix it. I can't just fly out to England, what if she was just stopping by, what if she bumped into Joe at that diner? I don't even know where she is staying anyway, it would be pretty stupid of me to fly all the way out there to try and catch her doing something when she isn't doing anything wrong. The paranoia is eating me alive, I just can't shake the thought of her and Joe in bed, I can't stop imagining the things he would say to her, how he would manipulate her to say things to him that she should only say to me. Our relationship is such a fucking joke because neither one of us can remain faithful to one another, I think that we should have an open relationship at this point. "You can't ignore me all day." Mick says. "Jesus, man, why can't I just sit here and chill out? You always have to be so concerned about everything when nothing is ever wrong. Just lay it to rest, would you?" I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I know something is wrong, so don't fucking come to me when shit hits the fan since you want to be an asshole to me when I'm only trying to help you. Prick." He gets up and walks outside, making sure to grab his bottle of vodka before he heads out. Great, Sixx, you fucked that up, I think that's the only thing I have been good at lately. "Hey, Nikki, you have a phone call." Bob says. I walk over to the phone in the booth and lock the door so that no one can come in and listen depending on whomever is on the other line. "Hello?" "Nikki?" Asks Melody. "Mel, what are you doing calling me?" "I just missed you and wanted to say 'hi', how have things been since I have been away?" "Um, things have been good, we have made a lot of progress on the album... well, mostly anyway. A couple setbacks here and there but we have been pretty strong recently." "I have only been gone like four days," She giggles. I suddenly feel my stomach in my throat, I haven't heard her laugh like that in a while, maybe it is good that she has left for a while. "You're quiet." "Sorry, I was trying to make out what Tommy was mouthing to me, I still have no idea what he said. Anyway, what have you been up to?" "Well, I have gone to a lot of tourist sites and I've eaten at some cool places. I have also drank a lot of beer and wine and it is so fucking good over here." "What about modeling?" She takes a second to answer, the silence unnerving. "They didn't want to shoot with me after they saw my face." "Yeah... look, I'm sorry about that, I am sorry about everything that happened before you left. I'm just jealous and paranoid-" "Hey, can we talk about that after I get back? I don't want to ruin either of our days and these phone calls are so expensive too. I just wanted to make sure that you're alright." She says, cutting me off. I feel a little worthless? I don't feel like she cares right now, usually I'm the opposite in these situations. "Y-yeah, of course, we can wait." "Thank you. I'm going to go now, if that's alright." "Yeah, I'll let you get off here. Uh, I love you, safe travels back if I don't hear from you before you get home." "Thanks, love you too." She quickly hangs up the phone. My chest tightens, and my throat begins to burn as tears pool in my eyes. They fall down my cheeks before I can wipe them away or even try to will them to go away. Fuck, I can't let them see me cry, I can't show that I'm fucking weak. I'm supposed to be this bad ass who doesn't give a fuck, when in actuality, I'm just a train wreck who bottles up emotions until they can't be held down anymore. I'm pathetic. I'm going to be like my goddamn mother who was overly emotional about everything. I rip the receiver from the wall and throw it across the room, angrily storming out of the sound booth so that I can have a mental break down privately in the bathroom. I need some fucking drugs to calm myself down, t-to take away the stupid thoughts in my head all the time. Why do I have to be like this? I love Melody, but I cheat on her, I lie, I hurt her, I am a shitty person. She deserves more than me, she really does. I don't know why she stays. And then, she's probably cheating on me right now and I wouldn't ever know, so does she really deserve any better? I don't know if we could ever go back to normal now, I feel like a majority of our relationship has been spent so fucking unhappy with each other. I miss when things were good, they are good a lot of the time, but things are also bad. She's so young and I'm an asshole in a band who doesn't know how to say no. She's just fucked, so much fucked up shit has happened to her in her life, a lot of it has happened since we got together too, so I have seen her at her most vulnerable. She finds comfort in me, I'm her support, and I love being that for her too, but I don't think she views me that way now. We have to have a talk when she gets back, I already know it, because if we don't, we have no chance of ever getting better.