This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 26: Chicks=Trouble

"So, Melody, how have you been feeling recently?" Dr. Warner asks.

"I've been okay, I think. I think the medicine is helping, but I don't know if it's been in my system long enough."

I shift uncomfortably in the faux leather seat. I feel my thighs sticking to the material. I'm clammy with sweat from the heat and from being so anxious.

"Have you been taking your medicine?" He asks, looking up from his note pad, over his glasses.

"Well... when I remember to. I'm busy, and I keep forgetting, but I never go more than a day without it."

"You have to take the medicine how it's prescribed or you will never get better. You have to listen to me, Melody. Suicide and depression aren't anything to mess around with. You have to take them, so get a watch with an alarm on it. Do something to remind yourself."

I gulp, "O-Okay, I will take them as prescribed; I promise."

"We'll see about that. I will see you back in two weeks for a check up. I would like to see progress here." He stands up and opens the door for me, "Nurse, put her down three weeks from today, thank you." Then he closes his door behind me.

"What time is good for you Ms. Smith?" The middle aged nurse asks.

"Noon is okay for me, thank you."

After she hands me my appointment card, I quickly walk out of that godforsaken office and stuff myself in the drivers seat of my car. I lean my head back against the head rest, trying to calm myself down so that I won't have a panic attack. Nikki made me start therapy, and my therapist has me seeing a psychiatrist. It scares the shit out of me. That man is terrifying.

I don't take my medicine, which I know is my own fault, but every therapy session I have is excruciating. It's not helping me, and I can't tell Nikki. I can't tell anyone, so I just get to suffer once a week, then twice a week when I see my psychiatrist for medicine updates. I still drink and I still do drugs, just less than usual. I don't know what I would be if I didn't do those 2 things.

I took my medicine once while I was high, and I had a seizure. I didn't tell anyone; I kind of just stopped taking it. People get addicted to that medication, and I am terrified of it. I don't want to stop using, and I don't want to stop drinking. Nikki thinks I am okay doing both, when in reality, I'm just good at hiding things from him. He's been away on tour anyway so it's so easy to hide things from him.

I feel bad for lying to him, but the truth would make me feel worse. I pull out of the parking lot and drive onto the highway to get back to the house. I still have tears in my eyes, and driving on the highway isn't helping my anxiety in anyway. It doesn't help that it's raining cats and dogs outside. The weather is really unusual for California, but it really fits the mood of today.

Mallory has been acting weird with me after Nikki was a dick to her about what happened. I kind of don't blame her, but I didn't do anything to her. I've just felt so alone recently, using drugs and alcohol to fill the hole I feel. Dating a rock star sounds awesome until they leave for tour, then you're all alone in a big house, surrounded by expensive things, drugs, and fake friends.

When I finally make it back to the house, I realize I was zoned out the whole time I was driving. Man, it's surprising I didn't get in a wreck. I go in, put my keys in the dish and walk to the living room. As I pass the land line, the answering machine is blinking red; three unread messages. I rummage for some coke while I listen to the messages, and then snort a couple lines.

Mallory's voice sounds through the speaker, "Melody, I'm sorry I haven't been talking much, I was just upset and wanted to be alone for a little while. Call me back if you'd like."