This Ain't a Love Song//Nikki Sixx

Chapter 56: Oh My God

It's been a couple hours since we all came back to mine and Nikki's place. Everyone slowly left and went to their respective houses, leaving the two of us alone. Nikki passed out, so that has left me to sit out on the patio in the backyard, smoking a disgusting cigarette, waiting for one of those sunrises Mick has told me about. The excitement of finding out Mallory is back and is pregnant with a girl has left and all that fills me now is worry. I worry for Mick, I hope she won't leave this time or start doing drugs like she used to, I know that was a very difficult time for him. I trust him, I know he's a grown man, but when it comes to the women he loves, he is a complete and utter idiot. He gets so blind sided by love that these girls take advantage of him, and he doesn't even hate them for it. I was shocked that he welcomed her back into his life after all she put him through. I do understand it though, and she apologized for all of her wrong doings against us, she has tried to make amends. She returned the ring I never thought that I would get back, so it's been a nice reunion so far, but again, I'm worried. Nothing is ever as it seems and you can't make a pile of shit look good just my placing a good bow on top of it; it's still a pile of shit. I'll try to give her the benefit of the doubt anyway, I guess, she has been super sweet and bubbly, she's actually been acting way different than she ever did, which makes me wonder if she was always on drugs when we first met her. Other than that, I don't have much else to say about that whole situation. I'm still worried about those damn pictures I was sent; I still don't know who sent them to me or why. I do want to know. I can only hope that Nikki doesn't find out about it, I have them hid where he would never even need to get in. But things always have a way of working their way into the light, whether it's a good or bad thing. I doubt Joe and I will get together anyhow, I'm sure he has found another woman who will fully commit to him and give him the time of day; he deserves that. I'm the one who deserves to suffer, just as I am now, because I can't stop thinking about the whole situation, I can't go more than a couple hours without it popping up in my head. Every time I shoot up, I think about him and what he would say, how disappointed he would be in me... how disappointed I am in myself. But I'm fucking hooked on it again and I only have myself to blame; Nikki didn't hold me down and force the needle in my arm, he didn't make me do anything that I have done. I just want to feel like I belong here and I'm not wasting my time trying to fit into this life- his life. I want to be a cool, rocker chick who is a fucking badass, I want to be able to handle my alcohol and make doing drugs look cool. But the longer I'm here, the more I realize that this isn't what I expected this to be at all... I don't want this anymore, and that scares me. It feels me with a dread that I have never felt before, and I've been in some shitty situations since I moved here. I know that I should talk to Nikki about it, but I don't want to start a fight, and they're nearly done with their album now anyway, I don't want to disrupt anything at this point. I don't know if there will ever be a good enough time to tell him that I a fucking phony. I see the way that people look at me when I'm with Nikki; the disgusted glares from girls who are so much prettier than I am, the men who laugh- the women who laugh as well. Other bands make comments about me behind my back too, I've heard it before, and I witnessed Nikki break a guy's nose over it. I'm just crumbling from the pressure like my mother said I would, I'm a little baby who was sheltered most of her childhood. I got to see the world through my rose-colored glasses my dad gave me when I was a teenager, but I never got to see this world from his eyes. He wasn't who I thought he was anyway, so, I guess he shielded me from his red flags too. Maybe I do belong here with my mommy and daddy issues, oh, and I may as well add sexual assault on top of that and slap a nice substance abuse bandaid right on top, nice and snug to hold it all in. The bandaid is slowly peeling away, it's only a matter of time before the drugs and alcohol can't help me anymore. My depression and anxiety have been so bad since I stopped my meds, but I can't take them while I'm high, so I chose to quit. Yeah, I am stupid, I'm already aware of that. I'm hoping that Mallory being back will completely change how I'm feeling and make me want to stay because I'll finally have someone to talk to. Nikki doesn't know how I feel about any of this and I'm not sure that he would even care at this point, which I understand, he has more important things to worry about than me. He keeps pressing for a wedding date because if we wait too long, we won't be able to have the wedding for a whole year, not until they're off tour anyway. That's the least of my concerns right now, I couldn't give a shit less if we don't get married within the next five years, I just don't care! I can't care. I don't want to end up like my parents... I don't want to divorce the person I marry, and I have a feeling that Nikki and I wouldn't stay together for too long if we do. I hate feelings stuck and it's all that I have been feeling recently.